When new people join us here at Blog Central, they sometimes think, "Hey, this is supposed to be a sports blog. Why does he spend so much time talking about other stuff." That's a very good question, one that I'm not going to acknowledge, other than to say, "These accusations are unacknowledgeable."
And now, pay no attention to this blog entirely unrelated to sports ...
Why is it that after all this time, people still don't understand how to win at "Family Feud?" The show has been on for 30 years! I don't know the exact statistics, but at least 112% of all families have appeared on "Family Feud." Roughly.
So here's the thing, which I'm almost embarrassed to point out, that's how obvious it is: JUST PASS! All you have to do is pass. The host gives you an option, pass or play, and you say the first one. It's just that easy. Wait, back up.
Two people walk to the front of the studio and stand facing each other. A question is asked. All you have to do is hit the buzzer and say one of the answers on the board. These are not tough questions. It isn't "Jeopardy." It's a survey. A simple survey. You don't have to be smarter than 100 people, or even smarter than some of 100 people.* You just have to know what a few Americans would say. You know the people being surveyed are Americans. "Jeopardy" isn't sending surveyers across the Pacific to interview Japanese commuters. These are Americans, and not a day goes by when we don't read story about how simple-brained, idiotic, making-home-wrestling-videos stupid Americans are. (See, that sentence had a double negative in it. A German blog would have never done that.) So you know the answers are easy, not to mention that most 5-year-olds can repeat what they hear adults say.
* Nearly every hour I wish I could go back and ask my high school guidance counselor about four hours worth of questions. Add this one to the list: "Tell me what I need to do to become the guy who surveys 100 people for 'Jeopardy.'" He didn't even mention that as an option. Seriously. What a sweet gig that would be. There are no right answers. You just write down whatever comes out of people's mouths. I could knock out a survey by noon and be napping by 1 p.m. Chemist? Don't tell me about becoming a chemist. Tell me how to be Richard Dawson's RIGHT HAND MAN!!
So I'm watching "The Feud" the other day. It's the Simmons Family vs. the Davis Family. I wish I could describe each and every player, but I was so focused on the strategy, the gamesmanship, the pondering of questions, the gnashing of teeth, the host who reminds me of another actor.* Truth is, it had been a while since I'd seen the show, and all I could focus on -- what I had forgotten about the show that always frustrated me -- was that no one passed. Not once. The players were Caucasion. I remember that. I didn't notice any Midwestern accents, but who knows, they could have been from Sioux Falls for all I know.
*The most recent host of the Feud is John O'Hurley, that tall guy who was Mr. Peterman, Elaine's boss on "Seinfeld." (There will be another Seinfeld reference in this post. Be patient.) Do you ever just confuse two people for no other reason than they're just mixed up in your head?** They don't look alike or have any connection, they're just subconsciously linked. Maybe you discovered them at about the same time, or they have the same birthday and you see their names listed near each other every year on "Inside Edition." (Some day, I will post at least 2,000 words about Deborah Norville, every one of them glowing, and you will all feel like you just ate 50-quart snowcones. It's a schoolboy crush. Do your best not to be here that day.) Well I mix up O'Hurley and Craig Ferguson, the late-night host who was Drew Carey's boss on that show that Drew Carey had, the one about Drew Carey, that starred Drew Carey, where Drew Carey hung out with his friends and went by the name Drew, dangit, what was the name of that show? Anyway, until a couple days ago I actually thought they were the same person, O'Hurley and Ferguson, which makes absolutely no sense. Now that I think about it, though, they were both TV bosses and they both speak kind of weird. We may have just unraveled that mystery.
**I have one of these mental blocks concerning the band "Soundgarden." Let me explain. An ex-girlfriend and I used to play one of those never-ending games of Name That Band. No matter where we were -- baseball game, bar, drive-thru, doctor's office -- if we heard a song, whoever yelled out the name of the artist got a point. We could have been in an ambulance on the way to get her lacerated tongue looked at, and if a song came on the radio, she would scrape "Mellencamp" into the flesh of the closest paramedic with a screw she took out of the ambulance floorboard with her fingernail. It was that serious. No one actually knew who was winning, not that it mattered, since the game didn't have an ending. Except that we eventually broke up, so I guess it kinda did. Point is, neither of us could ever think of the name "Soundgarden," and every single time one of its songs would come on we'd both just sit there like idiots, knowing exactly who it was, beating our heads against the nearest load-bearing wall, until we'd finally have to Google it. Eventually, it became a running joke and the very next day after we had to look it up, she would say, "What's the name of that band we can't remember?" and we'd have to look it up again. You might think I'm exaggerating, but I had to Google "Seattle" and "grunge band" before I started this paragraph.
The first question of the show was something like, "When you hear the word 'moose,' what do you think of?" The Simmons family, having all snorted Red Bull before the taping, buzzed in less than a nano-second and got an answer on the board. And of course they wanted to PLAY! Yes! We'll play! How could we not play?! We just got one right! There are only five questions left! How can we turn down opportunity like this? The show is practically giving us money! Never mind that we have to get every single answer correct with less than three misses and two of our team members are the cousin no one talks about and an uncle who ate shrooms until he was 38! Let's do this!
The Simmons Family got two more answers before striking three times. The Davis Family stole the points. Surprise, surprise.
Second question of the show: What did hippies used to wear that they thought looked good? The Simmons Family, with the reaction time of Indy car drivers, buzzed in first, guessed an answer on the board and chose to ...
This is how "Family Feud" continued, as it always continues. The next question was, Name a comedian whose movies are funny. Davis family, not having learned the lesson of the first two questions, won the face-off, opted to play, then guessed "Jerry Seinfeld" and "Bill Cosby." Yes, they were indeed fantastic, ground-breaking comedians, but not really known for movies. There could have been some TV/movie confusion here. The Simmons family stole with "Robin Williams." I was looking for a load-bearing wall to smash my face against.
Fourth question was Name something highwire performers use in their act, which is not really a question, now that you mention it, more of a demand of some sort, but you get the idea. Simmons family decided to take the initiative again, winning the face-off and opting to play.* There were only four answers. They guessed a balancing pole and then another human being, which was correct (Gotta tell ya, if I'm on a tightrope act, I do not want anyone else up there "helping"), then they were stumped. The Davis family stole with unicycle, locking up the victory. All four players chose to play. Their families lost every time. O'Hurley* could have asked them to name every single element on the Periodic Table of Elements, and I swear some guy from Missouri would say "Hydrogen" and choose to play. I don't know what it is. There should be a name for the rush that comes over you during a game show. The "Family Feud momentum," or something like that. It must take you over. It's pride, maybe. Like Michael Jordan, you want to win with the ball in your hands. You don't want the other team to screw up, you want to take control, answer the questions, celebrate your victory, not the other family's failure. So no one passes. Even though it's the sure way to get to the Speed Round, or whatever it's called. (We need to get trivia cranked up again. What is the actual name of the game at the end of the "Feud," the bonus round that involves two players from one team trying to total 200 points?) Also, there's the TV factor. No one wants to be the person who didn't believe in their family on national television. If there is one group that people mistakenly put unnecessary faith in, it's their families.
*A little "Feud" history here. The original host was of course Richard Dawson, who kissed all the women. "For luck," he used to say before he kissed their cheeks, and frankly, looking back, it was creepy. Some of them loved it, some looked like he had something green growing out of the corner of his mouth. The next host was Ray Combs, the short, energetic man, who was replaced by Dawson after a couple years. Combs lost in his business ventures and lost his family and ended up hanging himself with bedsheets in a hospital at age 40. I realize this entry just took a weird turn, but it's pretty impossible to discuss the "Feud" and not mention the Combs tragedy. There have been three recent hosts, in the "new era," if you want to call it that. There was Louie Anderson, the stand-up comic who has a show in Vegas now, and then Richard Karn, who was Al Borland, Tim Allen's sidekick on "Home Improvement." Now, it's O'Hurley's show, and he's pretty good. And, bless his heart, he didn't make fun of the contestant who thought his former co-worker, Mr. Seinfeld, made great movies.
