I wish I had a roster list with all their derby names, but I know a few. The woman on the left who looks like she's watching for pirates is "Cruentus Puella." The third one from the left is "Apache Gonzales." I cannot remember which one calls herself "Goodie Two Bruise," but that's my favorite Fresno roller derby name so far.

There has been some debate as to whether the Smog City Roller Girls should wear short shorts or skirts, and after talking it over with a few people, we all agreed that skirts are the way to go.

It's hard to look good in short shorts. "Hooters" waitresses are almost always in great shape and 95% of them look ridiculous in those orange shorts.

But almost everyone looks good in a skirt and fishnet stockings. I don't know why. It's like Tori Spelling's eyes. You could spend years trying to figure out why they're too far apart. It's better to just accept it and move on with life. (It's something she can't fix with plastic surgery. I know it's wrong, but it still cheers me up sometimes.)

Speaking of Spelling, if she would add 25 pounds, she would have roller derby potential. It's important to have the right amount of scary and sexy. The Smog City Roller Girls seem to have a pretty solid balance.

Early in her acting career, Glenn Close would have been the perfect roller derby athlete. MVP of any league in the world. Glen Close could have been the Roger Federer of roller derby ... except with personality ... and possibly a butcher knife.

It's a fine line. Take Kathleen Turner. At one point, she was far too soft and sexy to be a roller derby diva. Now she's too scary. There was probably a five-year period there where she would have been perfect. The Kathleen Turner window. That's what they should call a roller derby athlete's prime.

Which celebrities would you put on your roller derby team? You're the GM. Give me a roster.

Here's my top five. Off the top of my head...

5. Martha Stewart
(Some might question the sexy factor, but up until recently, she was holding it together nicely. And now that she's been hardened by the penal system, look out.)

4. Ann Coulter
(Every good roller derby team needs a villain. Who could possibly be better? Democrats would be scalping tickets to see Ann get flattened. Look at her. One solid body check and she would be done. It would be like a scene from "Tremors," when the dad from "Family Ties" blows up one of the monsters and bloody pieces land everywhere.)

3. Anna Nicole Smith
(In no way am I admitting that Anna Nicole is sexy, but think about the possibilities here. In the first half, she's sleek and fast. At halftime, she puts on 75 pounds and becomes an enforcer. Or, she forgets which team she's on and starts blocking the wrong skaters. It's guaranteed entertainment.)

2. Pam Grier
(Two words: Jackie Brown.)

1. Linda Hamilton
(No, they don't allow firearms in roller derby, but have you seen "Terminator." Those aren't all special effects. She absolutely eye-gouges someone, then later breaks an arm, rips off a piece of clothing and uses it as a tourniquet.)