We had a death in the family recently, the loss of our wonderful Pop.
There was a difficult time during his illness and after his passing that we really could have used some instructions from him about what we should do. Like most folks, we didn't want to have those tough discussions with each other ... so there were many questions about his preferences.
It would have been nice if he had some written instructions for us and, as someone who's just been through this ordeal twice, I pass on this little nudge to do this small thing for your families. Just one 3-ring binder marked "Estate" is a good beginning. Write in there what you want. We are all going sometime. It's hard to admit that, but it's true. We discovered a couple of resources to make it easier. In the Kaiser Permanente surgical waiting room, we found one resource:
The Bee published an editorial on the topic awhile back giving a few more places to turn.
Here are some important resources to help you plan ahead. The Central California End of Life Coalition, which includes representatives from Hinds Hospice and Saint Agnes Hospice, recommends a document called the "Five Wishes," which meets California's legal requirements. It can be ordered online at agingwithdignity.org.Five Wishes helps people to write out their instructions in these important areas:
-- Which person you want to make health care decisions for you when you can't make them.
--The kind of medical treatment you want or don't want.
--How comfortable you want to be.
--How you want people to treat you.
--What you want your loved ones to know.Most stationery stores have copies of basic advance directive forms and the Fresno County Bar Association has a list of lawyers who can prepare a simple document inexpensively.
The Sacramento Healthcare Decisions is a nonprofit, nonpartisan organization that maintains a remarkably useful and thorough Web site to learn about advance directives, how they work and how to download a draft to fill out. The Web site is
Also important is to consider in advance whether you desire to have your organs available for donation upon your death. (The circumstances for a viable donation are unique, usually involving a sudden traumatic injury to the head that cuts off blood and oxygen to the brain, causing death, while the organs remain oxygenated via a ventilator.)
Traditionally, the way to signal one's willingness to be a donor is by getting from the California Department of Motor Vehicles a special sticker to place on your drivers license. There is a new way -- starting today -- to sign up as an organ donor via the Internet. Donate Life California is the first state registry for all organ donors. Signing up takes a few minutes by visiting its Web site, donatelifecalifornia.org.
Again, please consider taking part. And please plan ahead, whatever your choices may be.
Kathy Kristof, a columnist in the Business section, also had advice.
Among the good Web sites that offer free health-care directives is the American Bar Association site, www.abanet.org. Search for "health care advance planning" and you will find end-of-life forms. A nonprofit group called Compassion and Choices also offers advance directives. Fill out the form at www.compassionindying.org and it will e-mail you a copy, or call (800) 247-7421.
Long's group also offers free health-care directives at www.betterendings.org, as well as a booklet called "Your Way," aimed at getting families to begin a discussion on end-of-life wishes.
I know I am being a bit repetitive of the above, but it is very true: your loved ones will suffer enough in your absence, don't make them suffer through uncertainty and division during such times. It is frightening to think of, but imagine how frightening it is for your loved ones who must do it for you. Even if it is verbal, express your wishes. It is a final gift you can give to ease the pain of the loss.
Gail: We are all saddened by your loss, and your advice is surely valuable. Folks need to think ahead. As a dottery old senior I feel better with my planning mostly done: even the Neptune Society!
I'm sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing such useful information with us.
Thank you, Phil and Scott, for the comforting words.
My dearest Gail. As always you are thinking of others even in your own very personal time of need for respite and comfort. As we lose close friends and family we each can add a page to the book of preparation for loss. It's not a new idea but a recorded interview (video, too) is a wonderful momento of our elders' lives. As it is I have to replay an old answering maching tape to hear my Mother's sweet voice. Maybe others will have greater forethought!
Nyla, videos are such a good point.. I was talking to a reader today who is using movie maker software to get video of his relatives. What a treasure. I would love to hear Pop's laugh again. Wouldn't it be fun to put together an edited movie with all your relatives just laughing? Sometimes it's small things like that we miss the most when they are gone.