"I remember you saying, 'Here it comes! The gantlet! Say your fuckin' prayers!' and then we flew through that area like friggin' bats out of hell."

Lt. Palmorello smiled. "Oh, yah, now I remember. I remember that night." He nodded, still smiling, and looking off past me, and then back at me. "We got lucky that night."

"Our team had this one doc back then, Capt. Chase. Great guy, but oblivious as hell, at first. That was one of his first trips outside the wire. I just remember hearing you screaming 'Say your fuckin' prayers' over the headset and I looked back at Capt. Chase in the back of the truck and he was just looking out the window into the dark with a big smile on his face like he was on some kind of night sightseeing tour." I laughed. "He couldn't hear you. He didn't have a headset on." I chuckled. "I always remember that night when I think of him." I laughed again, shaking my head and looking off. Lt. Palmorello was remembering that night too, and was looking at me intensely with a sort of half smile.

"I remember that night," he said. "I had no idea you guys were even still operating in our sector."

"Well, we had some issues with our OIC pissing your command off and then we had transportation issues too after you guys moved. Anyway, we're around. We were supposed to go down to 324 yesterday but the trip got cancelled."

"That would be good if you guys could get down there. My guys could really use someone to talk to," he replied.

"I'm sure," I replied. In my gut I began to get that sinking feeling of dishonesty again -- a sinking feeling of dishonor. The little shames.

After dinner, Maj. Johns and I returned to the plywood hooch and our cots. Two privates, Pvt. Giselle and Pvt. Striber, had been staying with us for the last couple of days. They were from Lt. Palmorello's company, although a different platoon. They remembered me because I had ridden and stayed with them multiple times over the months.

"You know this mother fucker went out on patrol with Lt. Brock's guys just before we took the house up at 324?" Pvt. Striber spoke with a southern accent, and was gesturing toward me by nodding his chin. I smiled faintly at what I knew equated to respect and credibility for these guys, although I was too ashamed to fully embrace it. I looked flatly back at Maj. Johns sitting behind me on the edge of his cot to gauge his reaction. He shook his head at me as he listened to the privates. "It was before we even cleared that area," Pvt. Striber added, and then smiled at me, shaking his head.

"Oh I know, he used to roll with us too," Pvt. Giselle said, "Hey, sir, remember that time you were with the colonel and we were getting ready to do a foot patrol in the village here and you wanted to go?"

"I don't remember, but it probably happened," I answered.

"I remember you asked the colonel if he cared if you went out, and he said it was on you, and so you were like, 'Okay, let's go'. But then your convoy showed up all of a sudden and you guys rolled out somewhere else."

Listening to these stories and seeing the admiration in their eyes was making me feel like a worm.

"I gotta be honest with you guys," I said in a serious tone, "I wouldn't go out on foot patrol nowadays unless I had to. My whole outlook on this shit changed after I went home on leave and saw my kids." I paused and looked at the floor. Pvt. Giselle and Pvt. Striber's reminiscing smiles faded from their faces as they watched me. Looking back up at them I added, "I think I was just all gung-ho at first." I paused. "But I won't be going out on any foot patrols any time soon. That shit is over for me 'cause it's not my job."

"Oh hell yah, we're all like that at first, sir," Striber said. "All gung-ho and shit." I could sense that my honesty had not lessened his respect for me by the way he was speaking. I felt a relief in my stomach for having been honest and also for knowing that the heroic stories were likely over. "You got balls, sir," Striber added. "You're just being smart now."

I nodded back at him and then looked away toward the floor.

"Shit, we wouldn't go out anymore if we didn't have to either, sir," Pvt. Giselle added, and then looked at Pvt. Striber and laughed.

"Hell yah, mother fucker!" Pvt. Striber said. "I can't wait 'till all this shit is over. I don't want nothin' to do with any of this shit ever again."

"Amen, brother," Giselle said. "Amen."