Now the movies are usually in English, assuming the actors are American, and many have subtitles, some of which can be selectively removed. The quality varies. "Theater copies" typically have poor audio and dark grainy video that shakes and may have people walking in front of the camera, especially at the beginning of the film. Sometimes these copies have the added perk of side conversations in foreign languages or the full audio of the camera person eating some delicious Junior Mints or Mentos, "the fresh-maker." Others, periodically, go from color to black and white, at which point a printed message appears superimposed on the video saying something to the effect, "For screening purposes only, not for resale." These are the best copies and usually when this message appears, the quality is assured. I have even seen the message read something to the effect: "Not for public viewing, for award consideration only." This made me feel special over here, and I wondered for a while to whom I would send my comments on the film. I am still waiting. I gave it a thumbs up.

Aside from the quality and the subtitles, there are other interesting things about these DVDs. I have seen the same movie description printed (in English) on the back of three separate films. There seem to be some people out there making these things and cutting and pasting things on the back arbitrarily to present the appearance of a "store bought" DVD. I have seen 189 minutes and the rating of PG-13 repeatedly, knowing fully that neither was true. If there is a choice menu in English, it frequently has misspelled words such as "paly" (instead of "play") or "mvie" (instead of "movie"). You get the point.

Over time, we began to see patterns and recognize which might be theater copies and which might be screening copies. And you also begin to ponder the scope of this industry. Our personal favorite is a person who appears to like to be deliberately sarcastic in pasting unflattering comments on the back where great reviews would normally be. One such comment said, "A horrible film with even more horrible results" and below that said something to the effect: "This irrelevant little indie film is poorly directed and even more poorly acted." Ironically, these comments, in my opinion, were true. We should have saved our three bucks.

There are other little quirks as well. Recently, someone bought a copy of the movie "Black Snake Moan" starring Samuel L. Jackson and Christina Ricci. The cover of the package depicts Samuel L. Jackson standing over a scantily clad Ricci, she on her knees wrapped in a chain that Jackson holds the other end of. On this copy Ricci has been digitally colored green at her midriff and from her hips to her knees to make the appearance of a bodysuit under her clothes. Perhaps this is a sign of the compromise of our cultures. Perhaps body suits are the answer. No burka, but no belly shirt or daisy dukes either. So far, I have not seen this fashion statement emerge in public while I am out on convoy. However, I will continue to be on the lookout.

Sgt. Carpenter and I both enjoy good plots and acting and are not averse to independent or foreign films, which are frequently available over here. We, over time, began to notice that wreaths on the covers of the DVDs seemed to give relative assurance that we would enjoy these films based on our tastes. We began to describe movies as one, two or three "wreathers," depending on the number of printed film award wreaths represented on the front. Capt. Wilde, a dedicated Steven Segal fan, does not use film awards as criteria for purchase, I suspect. Unless, perhaps, he uses the wreaths as signals to avoid these films.

The point of my going on with all of this is not just to describe the humor of the international DVD market, although I do find a lot of humor in it. The point is to lead into something more serious.

I tried to explain to my wife in a phone conversation recently that watching movies here was not like watching them at home. All of the things you see in a movie, we do not have. The "everyday" things people do, we cannot do: driving a car, going to a store, walking down a street, seeing people in civilian clothes, having a face to face conversation with someone you care about, holding hands, sitting on a couch, any form of touch. We have none of it. I miss everything from carpet to windows to good coffee. I miss white walls. I miss sleeping in a room free of rats. I miss going to work on Monday mornings and hearing what my co-workers did over the weekend. I miss weekends. I miss my commute to work.

Watching movies here is not like watching them at home ever was. Here, you are -- far more than ever before -- living vicariously through the characters. You are leading an emotionally empty life, a socially starved life, a colorless and loveless life. Movies let you pretend to be someone else, somewhere else.