I did not really know her, but I had seen her before. I had sat next to her one day in a chow hall several months ago and had tried to initiate conversation. She would have none of it, as I recall, and only responded to me to the extent required as not to appear rude or disrespectful of my rank. When I stepped up into the shack with Capt. Chase, she was alone. I introduced myself, and she introduced herself as PFC Finn.

I told her I had seen her before and had spoken with her one day in the chow hall. I could tell by her reaction that she had viewed our brief contact as inconsequential at most and, more likely, she had forgotten it entirely. She pretended to remember though, as she nodded, shaking my hand politely.

Pvt. Finn was of average height and of athletic build, although not stocky or mannish. She was in shape. She appeared to be in her early 20s and was neither attractive nor unattractive. She was average. The skin on her face was mildly blemished from acne, and she wore a faintly tormented expression. Her eyes seemed to be red from crying. She stood straight and tall, which gave her an air of professionalism and strength. She projected a confidence that is difficult to define.

"So, how've you been?" Capt. Chase asked.

She shook her head and replied, "Oh, I'm getting by sir," glancing down and back up to him as she spoke.

"How's your sleep been?"

"Not good," she replied. "But I don't really want to take any medication."

"You haven't been taking any Ambien?"

"No, they wouldn't let me take it out here," she answered. "I don't care anyway. I don't want to get hooked on something."

There was a short but awkward pause. Then she added, "I just want to get on with the case. I just want it to be over with."

"I'm sorry, the case?" I interrupted as politely as I could.

She turned her eyes from Capt. Chase to me and, without hesitation, stated, "I was raped, sir."

"Oh, okay," I said with a slight nod and then cast a remorseful expression, tightening my lips, my eyes fading from hers in an attempt to gesture her to continue.

She returned her gaze to Capt. Chase, unshaken, and continued, "Anyway, I just want the case to be over, sir. I was supposed to go on my R and R and then TDY (temporary duty) to testify but, some rule, I guess, says I can't do that, so they canceled my leave and the case is postponed again." Capt. Chase nodded and she added, "I just want it over."

There was another pause, and I noticed her nostrils beginning to twitch, her face suddenly reddened, and her eyes welled with tears. She raised the back of her hand to her face and swept it across her eyes, tilting her head to the side as she wiped the tears away.

"I mean, I know my problems are minor when you compare them to guys out here being blown up and killed and stuff." She was using her sleeve to dry her tears now, and then she lowered her eyes to the floor, ashamed.

"Don't do that," I said abruptly, drawing her eyes to mine and she turned to me looking alarmed and slightly confused. "Don't minimize this stuff." I locked my eyes onto hers, intensifying my words. "I mean, I'm not saying to stop putting it in whatever context you need to to get through the day. I'm just saying it is a big deal. Don't feel bad about yourself because it bothers you."

I had her full attention now and her eyes told me "thank you" without her needing to speak at all. I wanted to reach out and touch her hand in that moment but knew that I couldn't. Perhaps she could read that in my eyes. Her eyes told me to say more.

"Just having your leave canceled is a big emotional blow for any of us out here. You spend the last month using it to get you through things. You base your sanity on it, knowing it's coming, like, 'at least I have that to look forward to.' But you ... " I shook my head, sniffed in disgust and looked away, and then back to her, "You have this other thing, this fucking cloud, hanging over you?" I shook my head again, "All the while, with people shooting bullets and mortars at you?"

"And losing friends," she added, solemnly, catching another tear with the heel of her right hand.

"Exactly," I paused and just shook my head, looking into her eyes. "I can see your strength. Don't doubt it just because you feel something. I can tell you're a strong woman. No one can change that or take it away from you."

Her eyes had been on mine as I spoke, but they seemed to lock onto mine as I said this. Her body seemed to freeze with my words. Not because it was what she wanted to hear but because it was true, and she knew it, and believed it, but had perhaps begun to doubt it lately. Capt. Chase, meanwhile, had become a spectator in the room.

"I don't see you curled up in a ball in here. You get up and do your job everyday, right?" I asked.

"Yes, sir," she answered quietly with a gentle nod.

"Don't feel like all this stuff is minor. It's not."

She stared at me for a moment and then said, "It just seems like a nuisance to my command, my first sergeant. It makes me feel like they think it's my fault," she looked toward Capt. Chase, and then back to me, "They just want it to go away, and no one tells me anything."

I nodded and listened.

"And I know, rumors get back to him, and they will try and use it against me," she added. "When you are like one in five females with 500 guys, everyone talks shit."

"You're right," I said. "That's enough stress by itself."

She nodded, raising her eyebrows, as if to say, "You're telling me."

"Is he here?" I asked.

"No. He's back in the rear." She let out a breath of disbelief, "He rapes me, so he gets to stay back and not come to Iraq." She shook her head in disgust, looking down to the floor.

There was a pause and then she added, "He's probably going to get off anyway. Somehow, the pictures of all my bruises got lost, so it is just 'he-said, she-said' now." She shook her head again and, raising her voice slightly, said, "I mean, how could they lose that stuff?" She looked down at the floor, still shaking her head. "I don't even care anymore. I just want the damn thing to be over."

I nodded, and she and I just looked at each other for a moment.

"There may be no justice with this in the end, you know," I said.

"I know, sir."

"Have you thought much about that?"

"Yes."

"It may change the way you feel about the Army. Do you know what I mean?"

"Yes, sir," she answered, quietly.

"A lot of us who have been in the Army a long time have had that moment, you know? When we felt like the Army let us down, in spite of all we gave to them. I had a moment like that, although nothing as serious as your situation. I told my family I was done, but a year later I re-enlisted. My family didn't understand." I smiled and looked away for a moment, remembering, but then looked back toward her, becoming more serious. "The point is that there was something else that made me stay, something that went beyond the mistakes that someone made. Civilians can't really understand it." I paused and tilted my head forward and squinted a little, looking up at her, hoping that she was following me. "The Army can still be what it was for you before all this -- a life, a living, something to be proud of." I paused again and looked into her eyes, "You will have to make that call."

"Yes, sir," she said, and her eyes told me she understood. We looked into each other's eyes a moment longer and then she said, "Well, sirs, I need to get back to work."

"Okay," Capt. Chase and I said together.

She stepped forward and held out her hand to me and when I took it, she held mine without shaking it and said, "Thank you, sir," and emphasized her words with her eyes in mine.

"You're welcome," I replied, still holding her hand.

She let go and turned to Capt. Chase, shaking his hand, "Thank you, sir."

"You're welcome," Capt. Chase replied.

By the time we left Pvt. Finn, it was time to go to the chow hall for dinner. Capt. Chase and I separated to start conversations with different soldiers. When we were finished and walked outside, dusk had arrived at the patrol base and the darkness was settling in quickly. We checked in at the TOC to see when the EOD team would be coming back through to pick us up and were given a time.

We passed by the motor pool in the dark and a bright white light flickered and flashed inside the service bays where someone was welding among the vehicles and equipment. Nearby, the EOD vehicles awaited us and I sat in the dark in the back seat of one with a headlamp on, reading my book as the team was given 30 minutes to go get a late dinner.

As we pulled out of the patrol base, bright white beams of light were cast from our Humvees, searching the alleyways through the village like eyes as we drove through. We drove for nearly an hour through the night back to Mahmudiyah, the drivers swerving around the craters in the road, back the same way we had come in the morning when the IEDs were found.