McDonald's may have put me off their fries for a while
And that's a good thing, because those salty sticks of awesomeness are like crack to me. Were like crack to me. Anyone else kind of skeeved out by this ad?
I don't really care for Sienna Miller. Supposedly she's an actress, but the reason she's famous is that her ex-boyfriend, Jude Law, cheated on her with his kids' nanny. Since then she's been a tabloid and gossip site mainstay because she enjoys a healthy love life. Very, very healthy, it would seem.
Sienna made news again recently when she was spotted in Italy with married actor Balthazar Getty. She was accused of being a homewrecker (even though Getty claims that he and his wife were separated before he took up with her), and since then she's been followed and harassed by paparazzi.
I don't know what the true story of her relationship with Getty is, nor do I care how many men Sienna Miller has been with. Seeing her house defaced in this way is sickening.
Degrees of Fresno: Because you're asleep out there
What's going on, Beehive readers? I know we're lacking in the post frequency, but y'all are asleep today. It can't be the heat, because it's kind of nice today. End of summer blues? Back to school burnout? What's got you all hiding out?
Maybe a Degrees of Fresno post will wake you up. Because I was so hard on her earlier, I'll let you guys make it up to Jessica Simpson by reminding her that she at least has some credible work under her giant, Texas-sized belt buckle.
Is the "Be Smart" tagline placed under the slack-jawed, dead-eyed Jessica meant to be ironic? I'm guessing not, as the rest of the ad reads: "I work out and take care of myself. But I also like a cold beer once in a while. That's why I made the smart choice with a smart beer. Stampede Light, it's beer plus."
I was going to end this post with a joke about Jessica's future career in infomercials or on QVC, but apparently she's already done both. There is officially no joke left to be made about Jessica Simpson that life hasn't already made, and this saddens me more than you'll ever know.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this really what Michael Phelps looks like? I've been staring at his body for two weeks, but apparently my eyes never made it north of his neck.
Hey, magazines that aren't Sports Illustrated: want to sell some issues? Don't cover up the moneymaker with silly necklaces or whatever. You're welcome.
Patrick Contreras totally hangs out with ruins celebrities' marriages
**UPDATE** Fail. Chris Kattan and his wife, Sunshine Tutt (yes, really), have split up after only 8 weeks of marriage. I'm not saying it's Patrick Contreras's fault, but yeah, it probably is. Never invite a sexy violinist to play your wedding when you know you're going home with Chris Kattan.
Original post:
So, the rumor is true: Fresno's own Patrick Contreras did, indeed, play his violin at the wedding of Chris Kattan and model Sunshine Tutt this weekend in Yosemite Valley. We always knew Patrick was A-list, we just didn't know how A-list.
From the man himself, who had to sign a waiver not to reveal the really good stuff, via email from wherever really amazing violin players spend their time turning the day:
"yeah...there were a CRAPLOAD of A and B listers there... Jimmy Fallon, Will Ferrell, Charlie Sheen...Brook Shields... Stifler's mom (from American Pie)... umm..let's see... some of the cast of "Grey's Anatomy" (McSteamy...I guess that's what girls call him)..the guy who did the movie "The Punisher" (he's married to someone there)... some supermodels were there...and I know there were more... but that's just off the top of my head.. and of course Chris Kattan and his new wife Sunshine....Chris made some great jokes throughout my time there, seemed like a nice guy. I even got into a cool conversation with Sunshine's mom who's really nice! and loves mexican food.. ...yeah, good stuff. This is not the first celeb wedding I've done... but certainly had the most famous people in one place.....it was what it was...kinda cool though..."
And there you have it, folks - plenty of fodder for the next Degrees of Fresno post. Nice going, Patrick!
I've been accused of being cynical once or twice on the Beehive, but I prefer to see myself as a realist. A cynic would say, "Marriage is just a stop on the way to Divorcetown," but a realist would say, "Sure, get married for funsies, everybody does, but make sure you're prepared for all eventualities."
I bet Phil Collins wishes he had a friend like me.
Collins recently embarked on his third divorce, and is, according to some reports, about to become known for surrendering the biggest ever celebrity divorce payout in British legal history -- $46.38 million. Suck on that, Paul McCartney!
According to the Daily Telegraph, Collins has given up one third of his vast AM radio fortune to his ex-wives, an estimated $84 million.
I have got to get me an aging British rock star. I'm not kidding. Ten Five percent to anyone who makes this happen.
A wedding, a drug bust, a break up and Big Foot: It's gossip!
Some noteworthy gossip stories from the land of fake mythical monsters. Oh, and a story about Big Foot, too.
The Good:
DE-LOVELY: Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi (wearing one of the most gorgeous wedding gowns I've seen in recent memory) made it official Saturday with a small wedding ceremony at their home in Los Angeles. [People] HOT GUYS DOING SWEET THINGS: Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell and Jude Law all took over for Heath Ledger when he unexpectedly died, leaving his role in the upcoming The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus unfinished. All three actors have since decided to donate their salaries to Heath's daughter, Mathilda, because being crazy good-looking and talented just isn't enough sometimes. [Celebitchy]
Ernest Borgnine confirms what you've been hoping for years
Ernest Borgnine is an actor. Ernest Borgnine is 91 years old. Ernest Borgnine has probably not done a live television interview in two or three decades:
And with that, Ernest Borgnine has now become the most popular guy on the Internets, not that he has the time to Google himself, as he is clearly too busy... um, googling himself.
Where's Felicia? How come Will won't answer my emails?
Hey Beehive Readers,
We've gotten somecomments lately asking why Felicia, after finally getting her lovely face attached to her posts, isn't blogging anymore, and why, after three days, Will won't return emails.
The answer is simple: They're on vacation.
They'll be back, but in the meantime you'll make do with Donald, Rick, Mike Oz and me and you'll learn to like it.
It's a good effort, certainly, and a man with a mustache wearing a Speedo will always look like he should be lounging around on shag carpet near a hot tub in a wood-paneled rec room.
However, I would like to submit to you a new contender for king of the pornerrific 'stache throne. Ladies and gentlemen, for your consideration, Mr. Robert Downey Jr:
This is why bloggers stay inside with the blinds closed
This is the most hardcore thing I've seen all day. Watch as this reporter gets grazed by a stray bullet in Georgia, then straps on a vest and grabs the microphone again.
Jennifer Love Hewitt okay with looking vain and pathetic; not okay with looking fat
Remember when Jennifer Love Hewitt was the recipient of some unwanted attention after unflattering pictures of the actress Hanes commercial spokesperson surfaced on the Internet? People called her fat, which elicited the following "You go, girl" response from Hewitt:
I've sat by in silence for a long time now about the way women's bodies are constantly scrutinized. To set the record straight, I'm not upset for me, but for all of the girls out there that are struggling with their body image. A size 2 is not fat! Nor will it ever be. And being a size 0 doesn't make you beautiful. What I should be doing is celebrating some of the best days of my life and my engagement to the man of my dreams, instead of having to deal with photographers taking invasive pictures from bad angles. I know what I look like, and so do my friends and family. And like all women out there should, I love my body. To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini - put it on and stay strong.
Good for her, right? Let's check in on Jennifer Love Hewitt eight months later, shall we?
Holy Harry Potter -- I can see you, but you can't see me
Scientists are close to developing a real life invisibility cloak, an item Harry Potter fans will recognize immediately. Per the AP:
People can see objects because they scatter the light that strikes them, reflecting some of it back to the eye. Cloaking uses materials, known as metamaterials, to deflect radar, light or other waves around an object, like water flowing around a smooth rock in a stream.
Metamaterials are mixtures of metal and circuit board materials such as ceramic, Teflon or fiber composite. They are designed to bend visible light in a way that ordinary materials don't. Scientists are trying to use them to bend light around objects so they don't create reflections or shadows.
I only skimmed the article, so I don't really understand the science of it all, but whatever. I want one for Christmas.
The day scientists create actual working wands, your ass better be on lookout, because I will be Avada Kedavra-ing up and down Shaw Avenue. Magic rules!
Special thanks to frequent Beehive commenter Michael who gave me my 3000th comment, and who gets a giant Beehive kiss from me (umm... sorry for the crazy Mary-Kate Olsen impression. It looks better in person, I hope):
Thanks to everyone who reads and comments, and everyone who reads but does not comment.
Britney Spears is on the mend, and that's a good thing, but can someone sit her down and explain the difference between being in on the joke and just plain being the joke ?
I mean, Cheetos? Sodas for the kids? I get that she was sleepwalking through most of 2007, but someone needs to sit this poor girl down in front of a computer and have her Google herself.
A Cuero, Texas, deputy-in-training has caught on video a suspicious creature running from his patrol car, and is now claiming it's evidence of the legendary goat-sucker, the chupacabra.
Is the video real? And I don't mean, is it really a chupacabra, because it's clearly a pig. What I mean is, when everyone and his mom is eyeing viral videos and viral marketing as a means to stir up interest in his company or product, how can we tell which are the real videos and which aren't? Remember when we all thought that office freakout video was real, and it turned out to be a promotion for the movie "Wanted"?
Maybe it doesn't matter. Something doesn't have to be real to be funny, I suppose, and for the moment I'm enjoying the idea of law enforcement officers in Texas running around, Wile E. Coyote-style, trying to catch a chupacabra.
McDonald's may have put me off their fries for a while
