Someone please give Jessica Alba a job. She wants to be a serious actress? Fine -- yank Keira Knightley out of whatever corset movie she's in this week and give it to Jessica so that she stops this.
No new "Office" tonight means I have to leave the house for entertainment
Bad news, guys: due to the vice presidential debates, there will be no new episode of "The Office" on tonight. Although I know that watching Governor Sarah Palin try to speak words out loud is easily as entertaining as watching a full episode of my favorite comedy, I am taking the opportunity to go out and enjoy tonight's cooler weather during Art Hop/Arc Hop. We at the Beehive suggest you do the same.
Until next week's new episode, you can head over to Entertainment Weekly's site and enjoy a countdown of Jim Halpert's Best Office Pranks... or not. As fun as it is to reminisce about "Office" episodes of yore, EW, which has a knack for sucking the life out of beloved pop culture moments, has carefully explained each prank in great detail, rendering them all completely unfunny. And anyone who considers herself a true "Office" fan will remember what Jim Halpert himself told us in season two's "Conflict Resolution":
"You know, these actually don't sound that funny, one after another."
Right again, Jim Halpert. See you next week, fictional soulmate!
This season has been the most lackluster season of "Project Runway" I've seen since I started watching the show -- the most boring designers (don't try to tell me Emily, Jennifer and Leanne are three different people because I won't believe you) designing the most ridiculous, straight-out-of-Home Ec designs during the most half-assed challenges (design a dress based on a pretty flower -- come on!).
Last night's episode was truly the pinnacle of suck, though. With their lack of creativity and inability to sew under pressure, the final four designers competing to show at Bryant Park would never have made it this far in previous seasons. How many times did we see each designer fall into a giant puddle of tears last night? I mean, third season designers Laura and Jeffrey would have sent Kenley and Leanne home crying by now.
Oh, and can we talk about Kenley for a second? Hate her. Hate. That honking goose voice, the stupid hair feathers, and her penchant for choosing fabrics straight out of a Boca Raton retirement home. Did I mention I hate her? Well Heidi Klum does, too.
Celebrities practice their sarcasm, say bad words so you'll vote
Those clever celebrities and their reverse psychology! In the longest video ever made, Really Famous People shame you into registering to vote, and then -- I think -- try to get you involved in a pyramid scheme.
Fun fact: You can register to vote while pooping if you have a laptop. NSFW language dead ahead:
I know, I know. Making fun of Britney twice in one day is tacky. I'm willing to pay that price.
What is happening in this picture? Why does it look like she has one hand on a kid's Coke bottle, the other in another kid's front pocket, and if she opens her mouth a bunch of yellow feathers are going to fly out?
Hair, makeup and clothes are much improved, though. Oh, and nothing says "Sex tape? I'd never!" like a well-timed visit with a bunch of poor kids from the Bronx. The Britney Publicity Machine is back on track, y'all.
If anyone understands arrested development, it's Britney Spears
Dude. Did Britney Spears hire the Hot Cops to escort her around New York City? This guy looks like he's about four seconds away from ripping off his Velcro pants.
You know, I really don't give this girl enough credit for being the genius she so clearly is.
David Letterman remembers his racing buddy Paul Newman
Apparently it's not all vitriol and rants with Dave Letterman. Here he is fondly remembering time spent ruining car engines thanks to his friend Paul Newman.
Megan Fox proves Hollywood might -- miiiiight -- be kinda fake
Megan Fox is sex on a stick, we all know that. But the face, the lips, the body -- might not be real, y'all. Take a moment to deal with this.
I know, I know. Those of you with XY sex chromosomes couldn't care less. But for the rest of us, it's nice to know that stunning good looks are always available... for a price.
Heath Ledger's family is selfless, remarkably caring
When Heath Ledger unexpectedly passed away from a prescription drug overdose in January, he left behind an outdated will that did not account for the two-year old daughter he fathered with Michelle Williams.
The will he had in place left everything to his parents and siblings -- at the time it was drawn up (2003), that amount was around 145,000 Australian dollars.
This weekend, Ledger's father announced that the money in Heath's estate -- now estimated at $20 million -- will all go to Mathilda Ledger.
Two really, really good-looking people got married this weekend
Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds were married this weekend in Vancouver, B.C.
The pair have been engaged since May.
Here's the good news: Now that all of the really beautiful people on the planet have finally paired up (first Brad and Angelina, now these two), it's fair game for the rest of us.
Do you hear this, John Krasinski? All the gorgeous women are officially off the market, so you're going to have to settle for a funny one.
T.J. Hooker unhappy with Heather Locklear right now
Heather Locklear, who was released from rehab in July, was arrested yesterday in Santa Barbara on suspicion of driving while under the influence, according to TMZ, who is really, really good at knowing things like this.
Apparently, alcohol has already been ruled out, so I'm guessing it was Twinkies. You know this woman's body hasn't been anywhere near sugar since 1972.
At right is what Heather's mug shot looks like, because I know you were wondering. Notice the 100-yard Twinkie stare: someone just spotted the precinct vending machine.
My brother once told me, "When Paul Newman dies, it's going to be a big deal. He's one of those people that matter." He was right.
Before I go put my well-worn copy of "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" into the DVD player, I've put together a collection of some of my favorite pictures and clips from the life and film career of the always charming Paul Newman.
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Paul Newman, 83, died yesterday of cancer at his home in Westport, Connecticut. He is survived by his wife, Joanne Woodward, and five children.
There aren't enough great things to say about a man who shined in so many roles: as an actor, a husband, a father and a humanitarian. He appeared to have everything, but more importantly, he seemed to know he did, and he appreciated the hell out of it.
CNN has a biography of Newman's life here, detailing everything from his getting kicked out of Ohio University for unruly behavior, to his stint in the Navy, to his amazing film career, his interest in racing cars, and of course, his philanthropic efforts.
That's what she said: Best "Office" premiere episode ever?
Last night's one-hour premiere of "The Office," titled "Weight Loss," was awesome. There were too many amazing things happening for me to recount them all, so here are just a few of my favorite parts:
Kevin: "Wait, back up. Do you think I'm retarded?"
Dwight: "One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow." Jim (to Michael): "Really? Nothing?"
Creed: "That wasn't a tapeworm."
Michael: "I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years."
Andy: "I really want to have washboard abs the first time Angela sees me naked."
Pam: "What up, 2-1-2?"
Holly pining for Michael, Angela and Dwight hooking up in the warehouse, Pam finally having her college experience, Kelly Kapoor passing out and then playing it cool (or not) with Ryan, Stanley taking the stairs and fighting the power, and that thing that happened at the end with Jim and Pam -- all good, good stuff.
Hold my calls, Pam: "The Office" season 5 starts tonight
Dear personal friends/relatives/telemarketers:
Starting at 8:58 p.m. this evening, and for all subsequent Thursdays until further notice, my phone will be out of service. Do not try to call me. Do not email me with subject lines reading "R U there??", and do not, under any circumstances, do The Drop-by.
Yes, I'm fine. No, I'm not mad at you.
Finally, the long, long winter summer of my discontent has come to a close.
Hey, John McCain: If you say you're going to appear on Dave Letterman's show, and you cancel at the very last minute to gallantly rush off to save the economy, and you don't send your spokesmodel running mate to fill in, and Letterman catches you live on air with Katie Couric instead, chances are your ass is going to be put on blast in front of a national audience.
In case you missed it (and no one will blame you if you did), here is the only (intentionally) funny bit from last night's Emmys show:
Not laughing whilst the hilarious Ricky Gervais literally tickles him makes Steve Carell a comedy genius who deserves an Emmy next year for this performance alone.
The Internet: now with more making fun of celebrities!
I'm not smart or motivated. If I happen to have a good idea, it's usually after three or four drinks, and it disappears faster than my ability to make good decisions and handle heavy machinery. Therefore, I can't really fault others for their brilliant money-making ideas, as they clearly want it so much more than I do.
This one stings a little, though. In the same vein as LOL Cats and Fail blog, a new site called ROFLazzi has been created. Its hook? Putting funny captions on pictures of celebrities. You know -- what many of us have been doing already for years but never thought to sell advertising space for.
This one should have been mine, y'all. Should. Have. Been. Mine.
I'm laughing through the tears, though. Humorously misspelled captions on silly pictures gets me every damn time! I know I've said it before, but if I could marry the Internet, I would.
Jon Hamm might be the most handsome man in the world
I just started watching the first season of "Mad Men" on DVD this weekend, so I know I'm late to the party when I say:
Yowza. Where did Jon Hamm come from and how have I never noticed him before?
A quick glance at his IMDb page proves he hasn't been in anything I would have seen (lots of lame TV shows -- not good/lame, boring/lame), so I can see how he'd fly under my and many people's radars. However, the time to remedy this is now.
The man is Clooney-er than Clooney, and that needs to be recognized. Granted, I've not seen or heard Jon Hamm say things in real life, so he could be Captain Douche-inski of the Douche Army, but I'm willing to give him a pass for his voice alone.
I only caught about four minutes of the Emmys (thank Yoda it was the four minutes featuring the amazing Ricky Gervais), so I can't really comment on what went down this evening. All I can offer is this:
What. The. S***. Is. Happening. Here?
Singing the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" theme song is what you do when you're drunk and hanging out with your friends. Shame on whoever tapped this Josh Groban guy to do it in front of the world.
Seriously. Did you see the part where he sang the "South Park" theme? Did you?
I would probably switch out Simon from "True Lies" for O'Bannion from "Dazed and Confused," but other than that, not a bad list. I fully agree with the top three, and Biff Tannen as number one (especially after seeing "Back to the Future" again last night.)
What do you guys think? How well do you know your movie douchebags?
Remember a few weeks ago when Sean "Diddy" Combs complained that gas prices are so high he can't fuel up his private jet anymore? Then, when the truth came out that he doesn't actually own a private jet, he posted a video online proudly claiming that he does, indeed, own the wing of jet (and it's his wing!).
This is what happens when you try to make yourself appear to be a bigger douchebag than you are, thereby revealing that you are, indeed, an even bigger bigger douchebag than you originally intended to be. Or something. Check it out:
Robert Downey Jr. Pornstache Watch 2008: Unhappy Update
It was a wonderful and wild ride while it lasted.
Robert Downey Jr. showed up to the London premiere of "Tropic Thunder" Monday looking like this:
Maybe I'm projecting, but sans 'stache, it appears the light has left RDJ's eyes. Let's look back at the pornstache in gladder times, and remember how that glorious strip of upper lip hair made us all feel just a little happier to be alive:
Kelly Taylor's baby daddy revealed (I can have my Tuesday nights back!)
**SPOILER ALERT** (Unless you're over 15)
So, I admit that I have been watching the new "90210" since it debuted three weeks ago. It's not a good show - I knew it wouldn't be - but I was hanging on in the interest of gleaning whatever little scrap of information I could about my beloved Kelly, Brandon, Dylan, David, Steve, Donna and yes, even Brenda. For you see, the original "Beverly Hills, 90210" is not dead to me; the twice daily episodes shown on Soapnet continue to nourish my 90s style soap opera loving soul, and these characters have become like old friends to me. (No, I'm not kidding. Yes, you may mock me.)
Last night, however, the one major piece of information that had yet to be revealed about the former characters finally came to light, which means I no longer have to suffer through Annie ("new Brenda") gesticulating wildly and over articulating each word, or Naomi ("new Kelly") flaring her nostrils and furrowing her brow whenever she is required to look sad.
So about that last piece of information: it's the identity of Kelly Taylor's baby daddy. We knew he had history with her in high school, and that, according to Kelly, he is a "do-gooder" who spends his time traveling the world in charitable pursuits (which do not include being in his son's life, apparently).
Finally, after weeks (weeks!) of speculation, we know for sure that Kelly Taylor had a baby with this guy:
It's never funny when manorexia strikes, but in this case, it's not only ridiculously unfunny, it's so loud, obnoxious and punchline-free, I want to poke it in the eye and tell it to shut up, shut up, shut uuuuuup.
As you might have guessed, the world's smallest man is indeed very tiny
Each morning when I wake up, I move straight to the computer before even brushing the sleep from my eyes, eager to see what's going on in the world (and by "world," I of course mean the gossip sites).
Today, I went right to Best Week Ever, only to find this photo of the world's smallest man, He Pingping, taking shelter between the legs of Svetlana Pankratova, the woman with the world's longest gams.
I can't decide if this photo (which looks to me like Brigitte Nielsen just dropped a fully dressed child from her womb) is the greatest thing I've ever seen, or the harbinger of a very, very slow gossip news day, so I'm going back to bed where decisions like these do not have to be made.
Amy Winehouse celebrates another year of living... or, at least, her friends do
Yesterday was Amy Winehouse's 25th birthday. Rather than attend a party in her honor, young Amy decided to stay at home, complaining that she is "too ugly" to go out, and leaving guests Mark Ronson, Adele and her own mom without a guest of honor on this most momentous of occasions.
Contrary to history and general inclination, I am not going to condemn Amy for this; instead I offer her these words of condolence:
Dear Amy,
I feel you, sweetie. Maybe it's because the timing of our respective births is separated by mere hours (and some years), but I believe I understand what you were going through last night. There has been many a time when I felt too ugly to go out, too.
You probably worried about the teeth that have fallen out from all the crack; I have worried that my shade of lip gloss was unbecoming. The skin infection you got from all that crack probably weighed on your mind; I have often wondered if I could be a shade more tan. And finally, the weight loss from consuming all that crack instead of food, I'm sure, messed with your head a little; I too have wished for a slightly rounder ass.
In short, we're one and the same, sister girlfriend, and I wish you nothing but happiness and good health as you turn a quarter of a century old. To remind you that you are beautiful, no matter how many illegal narcotics you stuff into your ever-frailer shell of a corpse what they say, I present a photo collection of you, Amy Winehouse, at your loveliest. Happy Birthday, doll.
Good lord, what attached itself to Ben Affleck's melon? That wig/beard combo is so atrocious, even his daughter, Violet, doesn't want to be seen anywhere near it lest it ruin her rep at Tiny Tots.
Tens of thousands evacuated, stranded or needing to be rescued. Certain death predicted as Texans are told to "flee or die." This is a big, big deal -- forecasters are invoking Hurricane Katrina's name to describe potential damage.
So maybe in the face of such an impending disaster, we keep the cutesy headlines to a minimum. Right, CNN?
Gina Gershon shows America what Sarah Palin might look like in a bikini
Tina Fey seems to be the favorite when it comes to America's choice for celebrity who most looks like vice president hopeful Sarah Palin. (Andrea Zuckerman from the original "Beverly Hills, 90210" is my personal pick, but of course majority rules in a democracy.)
She may not be the favorite, but here's Gina Gershon (who did not have relations with Bill Clinton, thank you very much) giving her Palin impersonation a pretty good shot in a video from Funny or Die (language NSFW):
Is this coupon from Burger King, printed just one year after the 9/11 terrorist attacks, the worst memorial ever of that tragic event? It would appear not, but it's still pretty bad.
Remember the rumors swirling about a movie based on "Arrested Development," aka one of the Top 25 Greatest Television Comedies since 1987 (suck on that, Entertainment Weekly)? False, so sayeth Michael Cera.
In an interview with the National Post, Cera says he hasn't heard about plans for a movie adaptation:
"I don't think I would want to see a movie of the series if I was a fan, anyway... And I don't really see a need for it if you can get the three seasons on DVD."
Hear that? It's the sound of my heart breaking. Only one thing can cheer me up now.
**UPDATE** Now with working comments section. Huzzah!
Jessica Simpson: failed actress, musician, wife. Can she do anything right?
Why, yes. She is crackerjack at the art of making ridiculously unflattering faces whenever cameras are nearby. I present to you exhibits A through T, helpfully broken down into categories that best illustrate Jessica's mastery of four two whole emotions.
Who wears short shorts? Kentucky criminals, that's who
I love this story -- tell you why in a sec.
Kirstie Arnold of Lancaster, Kentucky, busted on charges related to drugs, harassment and running over a tombstone in a graveyard ("Bitch deserves to be dead!"?), was sent to jail by an unsympathetic judge after she appeared in court wearing skimpy, meth whore-like clothing. Here's Kirstie explaining why not wearing a bra to court should not be grounds for jail time:
Now here's why I love this story: Kirstie Arnold is Bizarro Britney Spears. Think about it. If Britney had stayed poor in Louisiana, there is at least an 87% chance she would be Kirstie Arnold, trying to explain to a judge why an adorable baby doll tank top screams innocence in the courtroom.
How do I know this? Take a look at what Britney wore the day she showed up to (and then promptly fled) a court hearing for custody of her sons:
America okay with Michael Phelps' propensity for butt-grabbing
Last night Michael Phelps helped Jay Leno score his highest ratings in three months. Not a big surprise, I suppose, in light of Phelps' current status as Greatest American Hero.
Since the Olympics, though, interesting information about the 23-year old has been revealed, including his love of gangsta rap and possible douchebag tendencies. And of course there's the picture that came out last week of the porpoise-like champion doing a little ass-grabbing at the Playboy club in Las Vegas:
I thought there might be some Phelpsian backlash after the picture came out, but it never happened. Do the American people just not know about it yet, or do they not care? Can one be a hero and role model and still enjoy fondling half-dressed dancers in Vegas? How does one get a job dancing for ripple-torsoed Olympians in Las Vegas (information needed for research purposes only)?
Jessica Alba makes me consider moving to Canada
