The scene: As baby field mice fall out of her tangled beehive, Amy Winehouse makes like Nell and coos at them in her own made-up language. Just another day on Crack Island.
It's been one insane season for "The Office" – from the four subpar hour-long episodes that began the season, to that interminable hiatus in the winter, to the ups (Dwight) and downs (Ryan's coke habit) at the season's end.
Like the season itself, the season finale, "Goodbye Toby," left me with mixed feelings. About 15 minutes in, I turned to my friends and asked, "Why aren't we laughing?" Luckily, the episode picked up, producing some hilarious moments. Kevin as the "special" Dunder Mifflinite was classic; Creed, as always, provided some great stuff; and Phyllis got some really good moments – like when Michael asked her if she could plan Toby's party, and she hungrily said, "Yes."
Unlike a lot of women, I've never found Colin Farrell to be attractive.
And I was right.
In other Fragile Guy news, Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson have broken up again. We all know what happened last time, so I hope the other Wilson brothers have already put their Red Alert plan to take care of Owen into action.
Be safe, Owen! And Colin Farrell - just, I don't know, go back to Ireland until you work this out.
Johnny Lawrence vs Jim Halpert in a fight for the Beehive's affection
After my last experience with the Fresno Grizzlies and their Thirsty Thursday promotion, there was little to no chance of me returning to the Chuk this season – and then I found out Billy Zabka was coming to town for Totally Rad 80s Night at the park. This has turned out to be both ridiculously awesome and heartbreakingly disappointing for the Beehive. Here's why:
Ridiculously awesome:Billy Zabka. William Zabka. Johnny freakin' Lawrence in the legendary movie "The Karate Kid." Enough said.
Heartbreakingly disappointing: Tonight is the season finale of "The Office." Sure, we can record it and watch it later, that's not the issue. Until we found out about Billy Zabka's Fresno appearance, however, the Beehive had plans to host a party tonight in celebration of the finale. I won't go into the details, but I can assure you it was going to be a very fun get together for local Officephiles.
Those of you who are the Beehive's friends on MySpace know that we love the Karate Kid movies (most of them, anyway), and we love "The Office" – equally. It was not easy to choose between Johnny Lawrence and Jim Halpert, and we resent the Grizzlies for making us make that decision (only a little – you can't stay mad at a group who had the amazing foresight to bring a member of the Cobra Kai to Fresno). All in all, we feel pretty good about our choice.
So, we'll see you at the Chuk tonight, and don't forget to record "The Office" so we can talk about it on the Beehive tomorrow.
Related: Check out Mike Oz's interview with Billy Zabka here.
What the heck is going on in Austria? People keeping family members as sex slaves, other people chopping up their family members with axes...
Until recently, I honestly believed frolicking in the hills and marionette shows were daily Austrian activities. The world might be better off if they were.
While you were weighing the benefits of buying a bicycle in anticipation of paying $5 per gallon for gas, Mariah Carey and the child she just married were busy hauling her 17-carat diamond wedding ring to Six Flags Magic Mountain in a Rolls Royce Tuesday night.
The couple rented the park for five hours, a move that set them back six figures, according to People magazine. Earlier in the day, Nick Cannon was seen at the Hello Kitty store shopping for his new bride.
In unrelated news, children in Burma Myanmar are still sitting in the streets, hoping to score a handful of rice as they wait for a second major storm to hit their cyclone-ravaged country.
As predicted, Amy Winehouse has not been charged with any offenses after police questioned her for nine hours about a video released in January showing her smoking crack.
She was actually smoking crack on video and British police said, "Wot? I don' see nuthin'. Pass the chips, guvner."
Amy's publicist, who at this point is probably just saying things out loud to amuse herself, had this to say: "Amy is pleased to be able to move on and concentrate on music and particularly looks forward to seeing her fans again at eagerly awaited festival performances this summer."
Mike, who is able to stare into a camera without blinking for 57 seconds, called me out, and thus the Great Beehive Staring Contest of 2008 officially began.
All week long, I wait for Thursday night. Not only is it one of the best nights for going out, it is one superb T.V. night, with "Lost," "Grey's Anatomy" and "The Office" all taking up space on my DVR.
If you watched "Lost" and "The Office" last night, you may have noticed a particular word popping up on both shows, and that word rhymes with "witch." Okay, fine – the word is "bitch." (This isn't your mother's Internet!)
So what I want to know is, who made better use of the word?
Ben from "Lost": "Fate is a fickle bitch."
Creed from "The Office": "We're gonna ditch this bitch."
I said it last week, and I'm saying it again: whenever the action of "The Office" ventures outside of Dunder Mifflin, the show suuuuuucks.
Case in point? Last night's episode "Job Fair." If it wasn't for Jim Halpert looking all cute in his golf hat, I would have switched over to C-SPAN, or something equally lively. There was just one highlight from the episode, and it was this:
Angela: Extension 128.
Creed: Hiya, Pumpkin, it's Creed. Say, we're gonna ditch this bitch. Are you in?
Angela: No.
Creed: Are you out? Pumpkin's out. Let's go, gang!
John Mayer sometimes has a hard time coming to terms with the fact that he's kinda douchey. As do we all.
However, he was good enough to send up his own rep in this high-larious Funny or Die video about what it takes to write a hit song. Be forewarned, though – BAD yet hilarious LANGUAGE ahead:
It's T minus 14 days until the release of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. If I wasn't already ridiculously excited about the movie, then this can of Dr. Pepper would have totally sealed the deal:
"With his fist!" Have you ever seen a more awesome promotion on a can of soda in your whole life? I don't even drink Dr. Pepper, but I had to have this.
My hat's off to you, marketing geniuses. Nicely played.
When the Mingling Moms, a networking group based out of Long Island, NY, celebrated the top 20 Long Island mothers of celebrities earlier this week, of course they wanted some press. Their "Girls Night Out" party held Tuesday was to bring moms together for fun, and also to raise money for breast cancer research. What better way to get press than to involve celebrities, right?
Of course, no Long Island mother can generate press better than Dina Lohan, the mother of upstanding citizen Lindsay Lohan, who this week has been accused of stealing another woman's fur coat (two offenses, if you ask some) and who got a little too close for comfort with Nicole Richie's baby daddy, Joel Madden, at a Cinco de Mayo party Monday.
Suicidal Kermit the Frog: The most depressing thing ever?
I love Wes Anderson. I love Elliott Smith. I love Kermit the Frog. And I love YouTube. Put together, though, these four awesome entities make me want to spend a weekend curled up in the bathtub, weeping.
If you've seen The Royal Tenenbaums, you'll recognize the following video as Kermit's recreation of the scene during which (spoiler!) Richie slits his wrists to the Elliott Smith song "Needle in the Hay." Elliott Smith actually did commit suicide (allegedly), and Kermit has always been a little bluegreendepressed, so the sadness factor is even further compounded:
So sad. And yet, a suicidal Muppet? Still cute as a button!
I don't really want to sit back and laugh at Amy Winehouse. Really. She's obviously sick and needs help, and it's hard to laugh at someone when they're this far gone.
So, I'm not going to laugh. I'm simply going to post this picture and then back away slowly and quietly.
**UPDATE** Amy was arrested today for alleged "drug offenses" in connection with a video released in January that shows her smoking crack. The British court seems pretty relaxed about their drug laws - Pete Doherty was arrested how many times before he finally was incarcerated? - so expect Amy back out on the street and terrorizing neighborhood gardens in no time.
Behold, friends. At right is a still from the May 12th episode of "How I Met Your Mother," co-starring none other than Miss Britney Jean Spears. Yes, this Britney.
She is reprising her role as Abby the receptionist, and let me be the first to say that she looks amazing. She's a terrible actress, and the episode will no doubt suffer for it, but at least she looks clean, well put together, and, most importantly, freshly beweaved.
And she owes it all to being in the presence of awesomeness. He may have been reluctant to work with her again, but the man has worked miracles.
Celebs endorsing political candidates: patriotic heroes or giant wankers?
In this presidential election year, we've seen quite a few celebs throwing in their two cents about the candidates, a trend that surely won't ebb until after November. Celebrities from Oprah Winfrey (supporting Barack Obama) to Heidi Montag (not registered to vote, of course, but pulling for John McCain) have publicly voiced their opinions on who the next leader of our country should be.
A few have even done videos, Tom Hanks (for Barack Obama) being the latest:
If a picture says a thousand words, then the one at right screams "damage control."
In the wake of Mileygate, Disney is making sure they don't let their top moneymaker cross any further into Britney territory. Here's the latest on the efforts to control Little Miley Sunshine:
When she said "Sex and the City" was her favorite show, she meant that she watches on TBS the sanitized version of the show in which four women drink, do drugs and have sex with anyone who looks at them. Sanitized meaning they say "screw" instead of - well, you know.
Miley has been pulled out of promotions for the Disney Channel Games in Orlando. Apparently she will still attend, but she will (wisely) not be speaking to the media.
Interestingly, a cadre of "stars" have come out in support of Miley's picture in Vanity Fair. I'm sure Disney is stoked to have such well-respected names like Rosie O'Donnell and Heidi Montag publicly offering their support. What, were Ashley Dupré and Dr. Phil too busy to comment?
The Office: "Did I Stutter?" adminsters the fluffy fingers to my funny bone
Knowing that I'm usually not in tune with other people when it comes to the degrees of "The Office" funniness, I'm going to throw my opinion of last night's episode right out there and wait for the hailstorm of "Heather, you're trippin"s to come back at me:
It was awesome. Much to the dismay of my neighbors, the episode actually made me shriek with laughter a number of times, and I think that has to do with the entire episode taking place at the actual office - in my opinion, the episodes get exponentially less funny when the action ventures outside of Dunder Mifflin.
Highlights from "Did I Stutter?":
Dwight's manhandling of Andy during the Xterra sale: "It will be towed by a donkey."
Dwight's attempted manhandling of Michael: rubbing his face with the pointer and saying: "Five. Four. Three. Two. Now. Now. Now."
Creed's blind jazz cats speech: "I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam, without her glasses, and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless."
The Beehive enjoys a Fresno First: Carlton's Bar & Grill
Mike: Carlton's Bar & Grill had been teasing me for months. I'd see it right there on the corner of O Street and Ventura Avenue, with its colorful sign and a banner that read "Opening soon." I'm all about new bars -- especially downtown bars, so I was curious to see what the place would be when it finally opened. I learned on Saturday, as we were headed to the Fresno Convention Center and saw a new banner was in place. One saying that Carlton's was, in fact, open for business.
Heather: I, too, was very excited to see Carlton's open as, following the Smog City Roller Grrls bout at Valdez Hall, I really wanted an alcoholic beverage. Despite my blind quest for liquid refreshment, I have to admit that I was initially a little skeptical of Carlton's. It's sort of isolated (few businesses in the area are open late at night) and despite all the "I feel safer downtown than I do at River Park!" protestations on Fresno Famous, I still get nervous visiting places I've never been before. One glance at Carlton's interior, however, and all my fears were forgotten.
We're committed to sharing with our readership photos of a questionable nature in order to remind you that the world is flawed, and yet beautiful at the same time.
Or just flawed, as this picture of Hulk Hogan applying sunscreen to his daughter's nether regions illustrates.
The Fresno Grizzlies will celebrate an American cultural icon, and his daughter Miley Cyrus, on Wednesday night at Chukchansi Park when Fresno takes on the Iowa Cubs. In honor of Billy Ray Cyrus’ unapologetic ride back into the spotlight on the heels of his talented daughter, the Grizzlies will host “Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus ‘Ride Your Kid’s Coattails’ Night” at the ballpark on April 30th.
In honor of Billy Ray’s opportunism, and his trailblazing path that can serve as a roadmap for parents of talented children, the Grizzlies will offer a special ticket discount. Way Back Wednesdays, which already offer $1 tickets for children (under 12), senior citizens, and military personnel (with ID), will have an additional twist on April 30th. Any parent who brings an award to the Chukchansi Park box office won by his/her child will receive a $1 ticket as well. For example, a perfect attendance award or swimming medal will entitle the parent to a discounted ticket provided the child is also in attendance.
“We’re distraught about the negative publicity that Miley Cyrus has recently received
I'm going to present three disturbing things from the soon-to-be-infamous Vanity Fair article featuring 15-year old Disney product Miley Cyrus, and you choose which is the most disturbing. Got it? Here we go:
1. The topless photo.
2. The fact that she names "Sex and the City" as her favorite television show.
3. Whatever's going on in this picture of Miley and her dad, Billy Ray Cyrus.
When you hear White House Correspondents' Dinner, an image of well-dressed, politically-minded journalists comes to mind. (Or perhaps an image of yourself shrugging your shoulders and saying "What's the White House Correspondents' Dinner?" comes to mind. If it's that second one, read this.)
This year's dinner saw some of the greatest minds of our generation come together in one place - from classic musicians Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz, to professional entrepreneurs Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt and Lauren Conrad, to screen beauties Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy, to the most respected journalist of our time, Perez Hilton.
Ahh, to be a fly on the wall in that room... so I could poop on all their dinners.
Miley Cyrus determined to make me use the word "prosti-tot"
Hey there, Mom and Dad: I think it might be time to find real life role models for your kids instead of trusting them to virginal, teen TV stars with good Christian values. I present to you 15-year old Miley Cyrus, aka Disney Channel's Hannah Montana, posing for Vanity Fair magazine, seen at right.
Miley says she's sorry for the picture and is taking responsibility for her actions. Giving an exclusive interview to People about the photo and then soaking up the publicity is taking responsibility, isn't it? And she promises not to do it again.
Also, she won't post pictures of herself in her bra on her My Space page anymore.
And those photos of her posing provocatively in her bikini? Never, ever going to happen again.
Well, that's a relief. Commence singing, dancing and making YouTube videos for Jesus, Miley Cyrus. See you in a year and half when the rumors of your sex tape start hitting the Internet.
It's all fun and games until someone loses their mind's eye. The Beehive proudly presents, for the second time only, "Challenge! Get this image out of your head!" wherein we show you a photo of a celebrity and you try for the rest of your life to get the picture out of your head.
Last time you all weathered the Tori Spelling pregnancy storm. In honor of this second Beehive Challenge, I want to present two (two!) photos guaranteed to keep you up at night.
I'm just going to throw this out there: I think last night's episode of "The Office" was one of the worst ever.
From the least amusing opener I've seen in a while - Dwight massaging peanut butter into Michael's hair - to Ryan's coke habit to Jim Halpert's racism and inability to do anything right (Michael Scott, anyone?) to Toby's molesting of Pam's knee and monkey-like scaling of a chain link fence to Stanley's "If I'm not in my bath with a glass of red wine in an hour, you're both dead" to Dwight's continued insistence that Ryan's smaller friend is a Hobbit - when did these characters become cartoon-like caricatures of themselves?
There were a couple of chuckle-worthy moments (Pam nailing Meredith in the head with a football was funny by default because anytime anyone gets hit in the head, it's pretty funny), but overall, I felt like I was watching a show that has gone off the rails.
Famous people in Hollywood have a number of tricks for avoid the paparazzi: some will walk backwards to avoid pictures, some will use umbrellas, some will cover their heads with blankets.
And yet none of these tricks looks as silly as the way Jamie Lynn Spears tries to avoid the paparazzi in Mississippi:
Underage, pregnant teen? Check. Gun totin', barefoot baby daddy? Check. Using an off-road vehicle to escape? Check. Once a Spears, always a Spears.
I had dinner tonight with my friend, Missy T, at Aqua Shi in the Piazza del Fiore on Champlain and Perrin.
The dinner was good. I had the spicy papaya salad and Green Monster roll, Missy T had beef fillet with mashed potatoes - it was all very nice. After my tough day at work, I decided to put aside my cares with a Bloody Mary, which was equally good.
Halfway through dinner, I lifted my glass to find the image at right formed in the condensation on my cocktail napkin.
It's no Jesus-appearing-on-a-piece-of-toast, but it made me feel nice. Not as nice as the strong and spicy Bloody Mary, but you know what I mean.
If you're a fan of "The Office" (and come on... if you're not, you stopped reading this blog long ago), you have to check out the behind-the-scenes access stalker blog OfficeTally got to everyone's favorite work-inspired sitcom.
Am I jealous of OfficeTally's Tanster for getting to go where so few bloggers have gone? Nah. Okay, maybe a little. I mean I think about it sometimes, but only like, every hour or so. In an all-consuming, pulling my hair out, ready-to-jump-off-a-bridge kind of way.
My god, Jim Halpert and I would have cute and clever babies.
I heard this while waiting in line during my third attempt to buy a beer at last night's Fresno Grizzlies game. The Thirsty Thursday promotion, in which you can buy $1 beers and sodas, had beckoned me to the park.
When I first arrived, my I.D. was checked and I was given a red wristband to indicate that I am over 21 (just barely, of course). I immediately got in a long line for my $1 beer. Last season I recall buying beer at any food stand; this season you can only buy the dollar beer at certain carts, which means that the lines are ridiculous. After standing in line for about five minutes, we were told that the cart had run out of beer. At the second line I tried, the station ran out of CO2.
I waited a while, then went back for my third attempt. I stood in line for about 14 minutes, and was finally able to get the 12 oz. beer, which took me about six minutes to drink. I debated whether it was worth the wait for another beer, and, deciding yes (after all, that was my sole purpose for being there), went to stand in line again. Ten minutes later, I had nearly reached the front of the line when I finally noticed that the server was asking everyone for I.D. - no exceptions. What, I wondered, was the point of the red wristband if I.D.s were required anyway? I, of course, did not have my license on me, so I had to get out of line, retrieve my I.D. and start again.
All in all, I waited in five different lines to drink two beers, plus a sixth line to get actual food. Thirsty Thursdays lives up to its name in that you spend most of the game waiting in line, thirsty. It's a nice idea for a promotion, but in reality, it needs to run a bit more smoothly to entice me out of the house on "Office" night again.
I don't care if you're pregnant or not. I don't care if you're engaged to Eddie Munster or not.
Please stop feeding these inane rumors to media outlets to boost record sales* for your upcoming album and then pretending to get mad so you can string along your fame for another week or so. You're always going to be Jessica's little sister. Deal with it - in private, please.
Robert Van Winkle, a.k.a. Vanilla Ice, was arrested in Palm Beach Thursday for allegedly hitting and kicking his wife. Yeah - that sounds about right.
Van Winkle told police that his wife is bipolar and on medication, and that it's true they had been arguing, but he did not push her down, as she claimed.
The 40-year old Van Winkle was arrested in 2004 for domestic battery and has had a number of traffic violations. In 2004, he had to pay a fine when his pet wallaroo and goat escaped and were picked up by animal control officers.
Wait, what? Walla-what? Good lord, this man is desperate for attention. Look at that mug shot. He's just happy someone wants a photo of him.
Innocent until proven guilty. Pathetic, however, was proved long ago.
Well, friends, it's 9:56 p.m., and the first episode of "The Office" to appear after the winter of my discontent (also known as the writers' strike) is now over.
What did we learn from tonight's episode?
A. Jan is awful; needs an office, a workspace and a Michael-less sleeping area for all of the work she doesn't do.
B. Jealous Dwight = Funny Dwight
C. Jim Halpert will throw a girl under the bus to get out of awkward situations, but then he will buy her a hot dog to make up for it.
D. There is more plastic on Jan's chest than there is on Michael's $200 plasma T.V.
E. A half-hour of "The Office" is better than 14 weeks of real life.
There was no teaser at the end of tonight's episode, which
Winehouse even more Winehousian than usual
