Editor's note: This is the fourth in a series of five entries -- one for each question. These could quite possibly be the five longest Beehive entries ever. Sorry. Also, there's some profanity.

QUESTION FOUR: When people react negatively, what keeps you writing?

Uh, God,
Masochism.....
I'm German, we have a thing for leather and whips and... oh wait, this thing is on, isn't it.....

(Okay... just kidding, had to throw some levity, if brevity was not an option...)
For some reason my typeface has changed too... (great, great..)

The negative...

Hmm.

Well, it depends on the setting.
Seriously?,
I don't write in some settings because it's just worthless (Christian Chat Rooms for example...)

Bilbo: '...I'm thinking of ending it all, and I want to die.'
GoodShepherd: '...I'm sorry you feel that way, do you want to talk about it?'
OldGloryRoad: '....PRAISE THE LORD, I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT AND GIVE A PRAISE REPORT...'
Bilbo: '...that's it, I really want to die...'
GoodShepherd: '...wait, God loves you and wants you happy..'
OldGloryRoad: '....HALLELUJHIA, ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS SAY HALLELUJHIA, OR HALELULIA, OR JUST PRAISE HIM...'
Bilbo: '....BANG..'

I mean, half the time the characters who are writing are computer generated, they're loaded with hackers, (I had a woman go after my bank account years ago in one,)
--and so often? It's just a bunch of really repressed church folks who find this world called 'internet,' --and go completely bonkers with like, this endless staccato 'worship' stuff, ---and will flame you in a heart beat, as soon as you say the first thing that their theology does not agree with... (Oh yeah, and there's always the ten year old satanist who does these strafing runs on the conversations, saying stuff about like, blood, and sexual positions and companion animals and such....)
It's a waste of time.

There are other local message boards I've also read from time to time that are just one violent cartoon threat after another (or they're real, dunno,) and like a place where you want to wash your eyes out with listerine when you're done...

Fresno Famous:
I will be honest in that I don't really write much on Fresno Famous anymore, I mean, at one time I was in the top ten or five or something for blogging, ---but it wasn't any sort of goal, it just was by virtue of the degree of comments and conversations I was having on the thing...
(a lot of the folks who I knew from there really don't, and it's (honestly,) difficult to read and post on conversations and such since the new format has gone in...
-Even the old one took some major turns, --and unless you were posting a blog entry, posting anything long was often met with 'dude your stuff is too long,' ---but sometimes discussion would occur.
--I think, often because some of the stuff was SOOO Fres-centric in some ways,
I felt like it wasn't my business anymore. (I mean, I am not hanging out in the tower so much, and am not downtown as much either...
-So a lot of that has kind of backed off for me.
A lot of the conversations, honestly seem to have kind of played out and are going a bit cyclical.
I dunno, I mean, there are some good things being talked about sometimes, but over all, it is not as involved as it used to be.
Negativity there?
So much of that has died down.
I mean, usually it's just like: '...yeah, whatever.'

I mean, at the height of the really fierce stuff, I mean, because I was more socially involved with more happening in the Tower, Downtown, varioius groups and such there... It mattered more, --and there was some direct interraction.
Things that warranted calling the authorities (actually,) took things off line, --and there was a lot of 'crossover,' in terms of folks writing me at my Email, as well as commenting on my writings on Fresno Famous and MindHub...
That, due to the nature of the situation, was going very quickly towards some very unpleasant outcomes.
---Because we were talking actual charges and legal action?
There was not a whole lot 'involvement,' by the online communities, (though the site ops were aware of the situation,) and it fortunately was handled in a sane manner, after all, and pretty quickly,
---but it was very 'okay, this is not 'cyber-land,' this is real.' kind of situation.
I take people's actions and (some) of their comments seriously.
This had a happy ending, well,
I mean, the happiest that could be hoped for, things have moved on.

My own blogs?
Well, I shut them down almost completerly last fall.
I erased nearly everything
I realized that I had posted a ton of information, (which was fine,) ---but felt that I was sort of in the mood to reformat and didn't have a whole lot of credible conversation, and not a whole lot to say about stuff.
I mean, there were some great posts, --and I had a pretty steady crowd of readers, (we read each other's stuff a lot,) ---but (at least locally,) I wasn't in touch so much, Kind of felt a bit cornered by who I was writing as, (and my views on things were sort of stagnating,)
---I was hugely busy....
And (again,) after a while it was like, 'um, okay, I've said all this, we've had our conversations, WHY leave it up to be just raided and tagged by all sorts of folks (I mean, it's a diary and conversation, (true) but it's also something that's all over the internet, --and some of it was really personal... So I pulled it.
I think I've done one (recent,) blog this year, ---and that was just last week or so, ---and that was more to be in touch with some friends who (that) is how I knew them. ---Some are locals, --some are back East.
I'll probably be building more on those blogs in the future, ---but I need to see what happens with school and all.
The only negative writing I've gotten on that blog was (honestly,) somebody who I no longer communicate with at all.
It wasn't the sort of setting where there was a whole lot of 'arguable,' sort of stuff,
----and if somebody was going to come to my blog, and read? It wasn't like '...oh wait, your stuff is too long, or too opinionated, or too religous....'
(I mean, there was a little pressure at one time to worry about the content of my blog, ---but then I sort of had an aha moment... '...this is my blog, I can write whatever I feel like, --who cares what somebody else thinks???'

MySpace...
I am so rarely on Myspace it is not funny.
I mean, I have friends there who I get in touch with from time to time, ---check on bands and stuff, keep tabs on folks, and all, -----but every time I go on there, I get like, seven messages with the same picture of a Nineteen year old from like, Iowa, in her underwear wanting to be my Friend, ---and she's got a different name everytime.
No thanks.
I've only gotten a 'negative' comment on my MySpace waaaay back in the day from my (former) stalker... and they left me alone on there pretty fast.

Beehive...
Admittedly?
I really don't write in my usual style in Beehive.
It's sort of a new venue for me, too.
It's just not given to long writing. (like, go over seven lines? People have a litter of puppies.
There are some things I contribute on, --but it's usally (my equivallent) of one liners.
---If the subject warrants it, I'll write in something more substantial.
I like Beehive..
I think it's really grown into some really cool stuff.
I like the personalities of the writers, I think it lends itself to a good conversational style, (yes, I do know what conversational style is)
--and when somebody is 'negative,' there?
I just usually let it ride.... It's usually a snappy comeback sort of thing and usually it's just Mintz.
(He gets very territorial around Heather, and Theatre, and well, pretty much the Beehive in general... too many males in the room, and he's pissing all over the furniture.)

MindHub.
Admittedly, next to the chimining on Beehive, MindHub is where I write most of my larger work.
First, The level of conversation on the Hub has always been a lot more mature. (usually,)
There is no sense of:
'I'm not Ralph Schwartz, I'm 'the Masked Potato'
or some such silliness. (No disrespect to any Ralph Schwartzes out there...)
I've found that when folks write stuff on MindHub, --the desire is to really respect folks, ---try to consider what they're saying, --and truthfully have a sense of community that is not just a bunch of hacking around.
---It can get a it cerebral at times, but that's okay.
Because it's MindHub, --and I'm dealing with real people (who are 'real,' people?)
I take somebody getting upset a lot more serious.
It's not a bunch of kids or people acting like kids, ---which is not to say that feelings do not get high,
It's that I think people really make an attempt to really understand and consider each others viewpoints, and that has been a real blessing.
--My own role on MindHub, ---seems a bit different, and has changed over the past couple ofyears.
I've always been more of the literary entry type, ---with most of my stuff going in under 'com-soc.' (which I've always meant as commentary-societal) ---sometimes I go in under different subjects, ---but usually it's not and event posting or stuff like that.
My stuff is long. (My stuff always is long,)
--But folks always respond to it.
Sometimes they post directly on the 'hub.
More often that not, I've got stuff in my Email, and they're really openning up. (I don't find this happening so much on Fresno Famous anymore,,,but I think a lot of the vibe with the whole 'downtown tower' art-alt scene has changed. (A lot of folks have left.)

I think my writing on MindHub will continue (when I have the time for it,) ---and I get the comments as they are posted, (rather than the one long volume,) ---so I see things a lot more 'immediately,' than others sometimes do.
--I sort of have to apologize, --and then try to forget that folks may get a post by me (in the volume edition,) that is a lot of words to go through, --just to reach somebody elses entry... (I really don't like impeding things.... I mean, if somebody wants to read my stuff, fine, but I don't think that they should be 'forced,' to... -but I am not really sure of the format for them.
What's weird?
More people from MindHub know me as 'Out of the Void,' ---and don't know my actual name (though my real name is used on MindHub.)

I do think, as a general rule?
People go nuts on computers.
I mean, the more of a mask that they have? The more bizarre they are.
In a direct sort of setting (MySpace) for example, ---you KNOW who they are.. --so it's not like they're going to do a lot of shistey-sideways sort of stuff.
---In chats? Forget about it.
Even on Fresno Famous... You get a lot of stuff thrown at you, and you have to really check a lot of your seriousness and sense of credibility at the door.
People just 'say stuff,' on there, and it's like professional wrestling with words.

Beehive is a little that way, ---but ninetimes out of ten it's this weird mix between commenting on some (pseudo) starlets chemical fueled behaviors, --to sports stuff, to club goings on, --to more serious (political) or social commentary.... So it's just Zingers.

The stuff that will make you terrified to even leave your house? Craigslist Rant and Rave...
My God.
I mean, just,
My God.
---and some of the folks (who can be very derrogatory, very threatening, reeeeeeally racist and just downright snuff-film pornographic have wandered over to Fresno Famous from time to time, ---and you can instantly spot them.
It's the only site that I'd say, I'd only be glad to read? if there was a couple of squad-cars parked on either end...
Aside from selling or bying bikes and stuff on there, I just don't post there.
---And Fresno's RnR is always being cited as one of the worst on the Craigslist collectives, ---with the other RnR's (other cities and such,) being 'true' Rant and Rave material, (often funny, sometimes angry, ---but really giving a good 'sound-off,' of what's happening in that area, (and it's usually quite witty and very entertaining.)
Fresno's?
You just want to wear kevlar EVERYTHING and send your family to, like Ohio.

Getting back to the phenomena of posters and people writing 'negative,'
--I mean, people view their computers and online experience as being everything as something as banal as just finding out the weather, to reading the newspaper, -to online sex.
---and the funny thing of it is, ---often they'll be completely different people online than who they are in real ife.
I've had several relationships (mostly back east,) where I met folks online first, ---and then became friends with them afterwards (if it was a long distance friendship, you wind up spending lots of time on the phone, etc.)
---Fresno is different for me, --as I tend to meet people first 'live,' ---and then run into them online, --or usually they know me through somebody who has met me, ---and the online connection has the best ability to become a regular 'live,' association because the town is so small, and there are only so many events.
--I have met a lot of folks here on line, gotten to meet them in real life, --and it's been great.

The one phenomena that I could always count on, however, would be people tend to have another set of rules and behaviors that they have when they feel that they have some sort of 'cloak,' online. A lot of inhibitions and such will get dropped, (sometimes not for the good, I'm afraid.)
Things have gotten really crazy from time to time,
---but, again, there has to be that reality by all parties involved, ---if you say and do something on line,
---and then go to take it 'offline,' --and it's headed towards something illegal or threatening, or whatever...
The rules of society apply, --and folks very likely could be headed to jail.
I don't play with that.
I mean, if somebody is floating around in their own little 'cyberland' of behavioral issues, drama, and arguments like it's an alternate reality? Well, God Bless'm, ---but I'm not really looking to know folks like that, anyway.
I prefer to know who I'm talking with, truth be told, ----especially in a town that I can pedal acrossed in about a half hour.

You always have to consider, --this is the internet, --and there are people who get on the thing, with the expressed intent of messing with you. You could have a thirteen year old on the other end, or some guy stuck in a room with 35 cats, -a normal person who you know from down the block, ---or a real nut-job. You never know.
---and truth be told? I don't really by that whole '...What I type is not how I feel, it's not me, it's just a character,' crap, either.
I mean, everything you create has a bit of you in it. (I admit that.)
---And when you have somebody who just goes on into severely degrading remarks and endlessly racist and hateful speech? Even if they're claiming to be a 'character,' ----that's still in their heads...
There are some very 'not-well' people out there...

What surprises me, is, that folks feel like they can say the most bizarre and often destructive things,
---and folks will be like '...oh it was on the computer, I didn't take it seriously...'
I'm not quite like that, if you say something to me, and me to you, ---I figure it's real.
---I just have to remind myself, --this person could be simply being 'another person,' for that moment, --or simply blowing off steam...

-Do most folks really care about what they or anyone else says on the internet?
No.

But then again, you never know, ---a lot of them do.
A lot of them.

Why I write when it goes negative and keep coming back...

It depends upon why they're negative and what 'negative,' means.

I have to remember a couple of things:

First, from a religious perspective, there is a very very clear and wrong belief that being a Christian, and having Christian experiences in your life mean always 'happy happy -joy-joy.'
That's not Christianity, ---that's Ren and Stimpy. (Which I happen to love, btw.)

It took me a long time to really get that Christ had a full gamut of emotions.
(And this was with him being God and knowing EVERYTHING.)
---Most White Christian churches have bleached that out.
-They don't get that Christ was Jewish.
They have no clue as to what Hebrew culture was, nor how everyday life was, ---in that culture.
---These were not a bunch of uptight Baptists sitting there all well behaved and groomed to some praise tape.
(Nor were they a bunch of (strangely, equally) uptight Pentecostals (who, though you have to keep the ceiling fans up higher in the sanctuary, can be still pretty uptight, lemme tell ya.)
(...okay, a little more humor there...)

Again, the Bible shows all characters being really that, Characters, and expressing all sorts of things that, (again,) if made into a movie would be probably unwatchable due to the passion, the violence, the emotion, and the depths and darkness, (as well as unbridled praise and joy,) of it.

I was raised, actually to NOT have much in the way of expressed emotions. (I know, I know, all that stuff about artistic parents and such...) ---All true, --but the churches we went to... VERY conforming, ---and not a lot of room to reall breathe and the Scriptures presented did not allow for a whole lot of 'schadenfreunde.' (very repressive, kind of extremely sober.)
---Now?
So many of the churches are so into incessant 'praise,' that you wonder if you have any anxiety, any doubt, any sorrow, ---any of that, if you are just gonna get pegged to the floor by a 'praise jesus,' lighting bolt if you don't applaud at the end of every chorus. (I hate that.)

Real life, real discussion, real views, ----real reaction, is NOT a bunch of pep talk and 'happy-happy.'
People are not built that way.
...okay,
I'm not built that way.
(I'm sort of a brooder (no kiddin,) ---with my moments of joy and fun like anybody, ----but I am going at this with the full figured movements and weight of a serious belly dancer, (they have belly,) ----or a blues singer, or opera, or..... I dunno, anything, ---even rage sometimes, ---NOT this happy peppy pop crap.
---I am not opposed to such things... they're great, ---but too much and it's like eating nothing but sugar all day, ---and I've got diabetes in my family as it is.

With real life, and real issues, IF you're hitting any sort of mark, --there's going to be real response.
You are going to piss people off, you are going to touch them, you are going to get 'in there,' ----and in my opinion, ---if you are any sort of artist, or performer, or counsellor, ----or anybody who really gives a damn about anyone, ---you are a failure (If) all you get is this tabled, patented, '...doing just fine, brother,' ---sort of answer.

Despite (some of my) churches desire to turn me into this repressed uptight 'sit on a lump of coal, and you have a diamond in a week,' (thank you Ferris Bueller,) ---sort of legalist...

I was also growing to see not only all sides of artwork and literature and such that included the full range of emotions and passions, ----but saw this playing out in the Bible ---and real life as well.
Most of the folks in the Bible are realllllly dysfunctional. I mean, this stuff plays out like opera sometimes... -and it's like 'jeeeez, these folks went THROUGH it...' ---and their relationship with God, just deepened.
(Sometime, for fun, you and the missus read Song of Songs, ---and then realize that it was (initially,) only allowed to be read by males OVER the age of 30 for quite some time.... ---pretty steamy stuff going on there... makes you think of raisins, clusters of grapes, and pomegranets in a whole new way, lemme tell ya.)

When this all levelled out, ---and the reality began to set in, '...These are imperfect people, leading imperfect lives, ---and even if their lives ended tragically, or in ways that WE may say were kind of 'missing the mark,' ---you go over in Hebrews 11 and read 'faith's hall of fame.' ---and see that God viewed and rated the situation much differently.
That really cut me loose.

And with that, and the realization that all sorts of stuff happens in life, and everybody being 'happy,' was not always the first reaction, (and sometimes not the one that comes on in this life,) ---it sort of made it okay to see others passions, good and bad, as being okay.

I've done a lot of work with the emotionally ill.
There is a real problem that happens when a person is all bottled up and not able to really express or handle their passions.
There are even medical conditions where when a person goes off (Fragile X for example,) where they could actually kill you, because the emotions have grown so disproportionate, snowball, and the person simply cannot switch off their physical anger. (I worked with a kid who actually put a care-giver in a wheelchair for life due to it... really rough situation.. I mean, the kid couldn't help themselves, and the person injured was there only to care for them to begin with...)

There very definitely have been times where I've been able to understand and communicate about something ---and folks were pissed off simply because I brought it up.
---Again, just from being from a different culture, ---that's going to happen.
---I've already mentioned how folks don't like to 'deal,' with stuff,half the time, ---but would rather avoid it and get sloshed, or just 'escape,' it.
Perhaps that's normal.
Maybe I'm the weird one.
Don't know. It simply is what it is.

I've never been one for drugs, much, ---don't like the feeling of being stoned, never ever felt like even trying the harder stuff, --and really don't like being drunk.
I even get a little nervous around folks who are all like 'lost in fantasy and sci-fi' and stuff.
Truth be told? Even some theatre folks make me a little nervous...
(I got my reasons,) ---but it comes down to having seen a lot of folks escape into roles, and full on 'alternative' realities (I had roomies that were role players and such, 'renn-fest,' types, --you name it.) and it was like
'...um, okay, you go play,
I'm going to stay here and um... stay here.'
(great, great, now I'm going to have a whole league of trekkies, ren-heads, and re-enactors storming the apt (castle,) ---without Miracle Max to lighten things up...)

Seriously, I don't even like JRR Tolkien stuff, and like just about everything from CS Lewis besides the Chronicles of Narnia... (too syrupy sweet for my tastes.)

I think people have to deal.
I think when they 'deal,' they will register a lot of different emotions, ---and understanding what those emotions mean and why they're coming out is really important.
I was sitting and listening to Liesl talk about a piece that she loves (pathetique -Tchaikovsky) -and how she sat there, devestated because she understood that it was a suicide note, and this guy really showed the audience what he was going through, ---and what they were doing, --and it was astonishing... (Yet, people often get all mistakenly bright and cheerful at the 'brighter parts.)
---I really appreciate her writing about this, and explaining it.
I stumbled across it a year or so ago, fell in love with it's beauty, ---and never realized that the dark part was this guys life ending...
I mean, she did not blow the meaning or feelings I have for this piece by writing (and capturing beautifully,) the meaning of it, ---and I really appreciate it.

I think a lot of folks don't want that.
They don't want to go deep.
(Again,) I think a lot of the local culture is to paint a pretty picture (if they're churched) or try to 'fix it with these steps,' ---and never let things just sit fallow, let the rain fall on it, ---and wait for God to bring it back ---if at all...
---or They don't want to feel the pain (obviously,) because they already might? ---Would rather lie and pretend?
Dunno.
All I know is it doesn't work for me.

I don't see stuff like Fresno's incessant drunkenness as a matter of pride.
I think if it were to deal with, and acknowledge it's shortcomings (racism, ostracism, classism, ---all these other 'isms,') ---they'd not be 'ism's any more but more like: '...yeah, this is a mess, and we're not going to let it rob us of life anymore,,, we're going to pour it all out, we're going to face it, --and we're going to take steps here to do it differently... ---at least this thing isn't going to rattle and hide like some skeleton in the closet, ---or have us running in shame like it's the addled step-sibling we've been hiding in the closet.'

There is a lot of that that goes on around here ---and it gets dressed up as '...well, they've been picking on us, all this time, and we're sick of it.'

Dude, I'm fat.
I'm not as fat as some, but I've definitely got a gut, handles, a padunkadunk that does not betray a lot of cycling, --and if I do NOT lay off the sweet potato pie? I'm going to need a freakin' jog bra.

I have NO business wearing a speedo.
---even when I was all lithe and a lifeguard, --I really wasn't into those things... they were just: waaaaaaay too much information.
(And I'm a figure painter who has no problem with the human body, nor folks in their all-in-all...)
--But there is a time and place for everything, --and there is no time, nor place anymore in the history of this planet, at the moment for me to go wearing my old racing swimsuit.
--and yet,
---If I put this thing on, and walk outside?
Folks have a right to hurl. (I'm serious.)
I mean, I'm within the boundaries of the law,
---but I really think if I were to try this? There would be shots fired from the ghetto-hawk, and medals handed out.

This not them 'oppressing me,' ---this is them registering an honest reaction to what I have given them.
The folks in this here fair town are so drugged up on 'self-esteem,' 'self-worth,' and 'self-pride,' ---that they dont' get that when they (as a people, as individuals, as a municipality, as groups, as churches,) ---go walking out there looking like that?
Folks are gonna tackle them and drag them back inside and help them in the wardrobe department BECAUSE they care... (both about the individual (in this case me in my speedo,) ---and the myriads of onlookers who would be permenantly scarred.

Disclaimer: ---I am not trashing people who are overweight, people who are underweight, (nor) the people who struggle with self image and such... I'm not trying to be a schmuck here, ---I'm just saying that there are times in this whole shootin' match where I've gone after truths, ---sometimes pretty diplomatically, ---and have been handed the lamest excuses and justifications, when a bit of personal responsibility would have prevented the whole problem.
--That seems to be a real missing factor in a lot of how things are done here... (And I have had to tone it down a bit...)

At the same time?
Sometimes the 'negative,' is healthy.
Sometiems it's like '...okay, there we go, now I know somebody's home...'
---This does not give me the right to walk into a situation and call somebody's gramma 'yoda,' ---and that's never, ever been my intent.
(A lot of folks, including area writers think that's great... But I find that degrading, ---and honestly, when you lie down with dogs, ---you wake up with fleas, ---what you are engaging in and focussing on? That's what you're going to become.)

To me, this is not a bunch of window dressing.
I am not looking to be insensitive,
--but I am not from here.
I live here now.
I think the loyalties and allegiances that I find often times expressed on line can be really off center, not healthy, --and very much delusional and promoting worse problems.
---Like I said in my last letter about gay marriage, ---you have people who are being raised to look at their issues and deal with them, (well, that's when they're not striving for the highest test scores...) ---and they're like: 'We've been told how great we are, (yet we have issues,) --so we'll deal with our issues, --and they're finding a town full of either (YOU DON'T HAVE ISSUES, YOU'RE FROM HERE, AND WE DONT (wanna see our) HAVE ISSUES.' --SO YOU CAN'T.
---or...
They face an obvious beuracracy and endless series of 'clubs to be a part of,' ---where the truth about stuff has to wait in line for the more powerful and better equipped to schmooze and maneuver, ---gets their way first.
--That's not honest.
That's a whole life of '...here, cupcake, what do YOU see, we care...' slapped down with '...that's the way it is, --if you don't like it, go make something somewhere else..' ---to which there are footsteps, a door slamming, an old honda civic peeling out and heading elsewhere, --and a lot of folks trying to figure out how to reinterpret and spin 'brain drain,' --as being 'just thinning the herd of the quitters.'

You go talking about stuff like that?
Folks'll get pissed.

You go talking personal responsibilty, AND pointing out stuff that people'd rather forget (or, possibly could never really resolve, --that's been bothering them too? (which is not the same as 'denial,' ---but more just something sore?)
They'll slap at you.

Either way, you know, Will? It's what you do with it.
If you go after people for their faults and issues, ---they have a right to feel affronted and pissed at you.
If you see things that need work, --and you need to say the truth, --but you're trying to do it in a way that is (not) offensive, ---but is going to hurt anyway? Well, sometimes hurt is what happens, --and you have to stick by them and realize, --yeah, they're in pain, they're going to lash out, they're not just being nasty.

For all the stuff I've said (and believe me I've said a lot,) ---It's never been intended to make somebody feel bad or worthless for what they are doing, saying, ---stuff like that.
---I have gone after people, I mean, really gone after people, and have really nailed them... But It's almost always been a situation where they're bullshitting and no better, I know that they're bullshitting and know better, --and staying on the morphine drip and stance that they're furthering is a major part of the problem.
---I'll go after a problem, ---and if the problem really is parasitic and dangerous? I will voice my intention to shoot, make it clear that I'm going to fire, ---and will take that thing down if I can do it. ----But that is really in situation where there is no other way.
I don't really like going that heavy into somebody elses, I don't know... space? sense of being? identity? ---if I can help it.
There is no sense brandishing a weapon when you are not looking to do anyone harm, (It just confuses people, and scares them further.)
--So, I really try to choose my words carefully, ---and really try to back up the positive that I mean in it, ---despite the negative that they may be feeling.
It doesn't always work.
Like I said, ---I have people who became friends, ---who now no longer are, --and it was really their choice, (and it was over sometimes the length of my posts and such,) ---but when you get into it?
Nine times out of ten, it's not really that...
I mean, even Mintz came up to me the other night and was like '...you know I read your stuff, just because I bitch about the length of it, doesn't mean I don't read your stuff.'

I dunno, you have to take things into perspective.

I think (and this is going to be tricky...)
You also have to also know when you're right and when you're wrong.

If you're right, ---and if you mean no harm, --and you're speaking the truth?
--Than you really only have to say it once, ---and to the right people at the right time.
(Now, I know that there were situations where I had to keep banging on my pan saying the same stuff, so much that I even didn't want to hear it again,) ----but really?
It's a matter of getting through to the right people, and saying the truth to where it's supposed to go.
---From that?
Well, the truth is sort of funny, ---It's kind of how I see the Bible, (again,) a lot of people have issues with it, NOT for what they don't understand, ---but what they understand and don't agree with. (Big difference.)

--When you're telling the truth about something, --sometimes (again,) you know folks are going to go off, ---because it's the truth.
I really, only tend to go after a situation (repeatedly) when I have somebody who doesn't like what I'm saying, and trying to 'interpret' it for other people, --and are altering it to their tastes.
--I mean, I know we all have a right to hear what we want to hear from others comments and such, ---but if there ever was a way to dial up eric-da-marauder, ---it's to take something that I know I said plainly, ---have made really clear where I'm coming from, --and deliberately spin it as something else.
I've had some friends do that with me, and the friendship basically ended pretty quickly.
I'm not the easiest to hear, --but usually I can be understood, --and when I can see my views, (or somebody elses who I think meant no wrong,) getting bulldozed or nullified that way, ---oh man, it's not good.

I think that has a lot to do with the whole 'gay marriage,' thing that I was writing on.

In all truth, I havn't been writing as much as I used to.
I don't have the time, My life had changed (radically,) for a while there where I was all about somebody who I was dating and their kids...
---and to be honest? You just see things differently when somebody else is your world.
You also think a lot more about how what you're saying will affect their lives.

It's sort of weird and fortuitous (well, actually it was kind of the hand of God,) ---where that situation ended abruptly, ---and when I got done scraping my heart off the sidewalk, I had some very odd situations happen where folks sort of popped into my life and (again,) reminded me that if I had the gift of somebody elses attention, ---I needed to handle that gift wisely and respectfully, ---but not shy away from it.

Lone and Behold, this subject comes up, ---and I happen to be a bit of a freak in that I'm
A.) A Devout Christian who has no problem with gay folks (love me a bunch of them, actually, and guess what? I'm straight, too, (nothing to gain here, folks, nothing up my sleeve, not looking for a merit badge, --and I'm no thrill seeker looking for controversy... hmmm.)
B.) Know a bit about civil rights and the separation of church and state
C.) Know where this situation has majorly strayed into very unhealthy areas that should NOT mix.
D.) Do not handle the situation like a rabid pit-bull,
E.) Have no interest in promoting the stereotypes in the issue
F.) am semi-literate
G.) have a keyboard and broadband
H.) Care.

I mean, most of the stuff I go into I understand that there is going to be a lot of heat. No problem.

1.) as an artist, it's my job to communicate, and to get folks to see stuff and get them to think and feel, ---and work with it. (not succeeding in this? I fail as an artist.)
2.) as a Christian, I have a responsibility to not just dispell lies, --but try to spread truth, --and bring on healing, ---and know that that is not always going to be met with open arms.. ---okay, I'm not to be nasty about, it, ---but I'm not supposed to give up because it's not well recieved.
3.) I honestly believe that if you dont' say anything and stand up for what is right? The bad prevails.
4.) I hate waste and destruction. I hate when people's lives are short circuted, I hate when they're treated badly, I hate the whole thing, and realize it's destructiveness, ---because I used to perpetuate it myself, and I know how miserable it feels from both ends. (Do I know what it's like to be gay and be ostracized from folks claiming to represent God? No. I'm straight.
I know what it's like to be all sorts of other things, and have all sorts of other folks ('representing God') refuse me, throw me out, ignore me, come after me... ---so I have some idea. I want that stopped.
5.) ...and this is a little weird.
I'm comfortable in a hot kitchen.
I like disaster relief stuff.
I'm 'rough service.'
---When I used to play soccer? I played better after the first time somebody ran into me, I got knocked down, --and then got back up and was like, '...oh, I'm awake now.'

I like doing stuff that counts.
I don't like bullies.
I don't like stupidity when people are really smart.
---and I want those who can really step up and have a full battle of wits,
---or really represent their views and such,
---to do so with some balls.
You know, I'm sorry, but there are GIRLS on this thing that are way more eloquent, way more intelligent, WAY more insightful, are WAY tougher, and get WAY more done than I can... ---and they're girls (some of them pretty girly girls at that.)
---and they completely blow the doors off the nonsense that the guys come out with...
I tune in just to see that... (the heck with what I have to say.)
I love it.
To have one of those ladies (and some of them are a bit older than me, and have accomplished a ton more than me...) write me and say '..your stuff hit home, thanks...'
When I see all these guys shucking and jiving and flip-flopping more than a presidential candidate on a church issue???
Please.

I'm serious.
I dont' really like 'riffing,' when there is so much at stake, sometimes, ---and think people play dumb to hide behind it.
---I'm not trying to pick on stupid people.
-There are areas of my that are enormously stupid.
The inbred cats who (used to,) live on my back porch were smarter than me on some stuff...
But, dammit, ---for a land that is all about 'how great 'me,' is' ---there are a lot of things where people deliberately just switch off and play moron.
It's not fair.
---That short bus has only so many seats, ---and if you don't need to be on the thing, get your lazy butt off, and let somebody who needs the thing ride...

--I think it sets (this incessant lethargy, endless spin, --and constant dog and pony show,) a terrible example.
--Again, --there are plenty of people who understand what is going on, and they're bouncing.
---But there are plenty of people who are stuck here, who are being handed such lame excuses and answers to things... '
It's demoralizing.

So...
Sometimes, when folks get negative?
-and I knows I'm right?
I just let my dim light shine.
It's gotta happen.

I actually met some folks who were in Tienamen Square and were buddies with the guy who stood in front of the Tank with the bullhorn.
(Turns out a bunch of them were Christians, some of them wound up in 'Jersey, --and my folks and I wound up at this guys house for dinner one Christmas Eve...) ---This sort of thing is not abnormal for me... I lead a very weird life in terms of who I cross paths with.

What got me?
This is was just a bunch of Chinese college students.
Nothing special, (yeah, they were bright...
but c'mon have you ever met a stupid Chinese college student?
or Korean, or Japanese or Indian???
These people either conquer and master what they're handed?, ---or they don't show up at all...
Talk about discipline and responsibility... yeesh... TOTALLY different scholastic and work ethic... trust me on this...)

-At any rate...
We hung out all night, and at the end, I found out who they actually were...
They were sort of shy, they had zits, they were skinny, and they were kind of rumpled..
--but they were Chinese college students (and that's what they looked like... rumpled people who were a little sleepy, really sweet, finally getting a decent meal all semester, with kick-ass gpa's.)
--And that's what really got me.

They didn't look like heroes, ---but they were.
They weren't looking to be heroes, --but that was what they had handed them that day, --so they did it.
(Folks decided that they were heroes later...)

Now, I'm nobody's hero.
I've had people call me that for different reasons... Probably the most obvious was the 9/11 thing...
But I just don't agree.
I'm certainly not looking to be a hero in Fresno, nor online, nor a gadfly, nor a celebrity... nope.

I'm simply standing for what I believe, I'm simply trying to help, --and I'm not going to go off wimpering with this lame 70's faded 'guidance counsellor clinic waiting room' poster nonsense about there being
'no real truth, no real right or wrong, and everything just being 'okay.'
---Dude, I'm a Deadhead, ---even I don't buy that crap.

(Yes, there are Christian DeadHeads out there, Yes, we're conflicted about some things, and Yes, it will all be straightened out one day, No, I do not have a microbus, YES I want one, and yes, there is patchoulli here in the house... okay? (and no I do not endorese recreational drug use, though seriously? I can't help laughing sometimes at old Cheech and Chong... (..CLAASSSSSS! (that one's for you, Craig.)

I guess it sort of is cycling back to the same thing.
-Either you start to cave in to fear,
and other's opinions of who you are,
and what you're supposed to do and say...
---and you do that your whole freakin' pathetic miserable life (and go moo...)
OR
-You be you.
You have your views, and express them, ---you not let others step on them, and you not be shouted down.
You encourage others to have their views too, (however gently or firmly you need to.)
-And you sit and stand where you want to, --and where you so feel led, --and you not expect folks to hold the door for you, NOR pat you on the back and say 'hello-kitty,' when you know you aren't them.

And the beautfiul thing about it?
It's never too late to finally just be yourself.
You don't have to be arrogant, you don't have to be big, and you can be scared shitless, and stumble all over yourself, trying to get it straight.
That's okay.
You have a right to stand and say what you feel.
Even if nobody else gets it, Even if nobody else likes it.
It's not about what everybody else thinks...
And to be honest?
NObody really thinks exactly the same thing, anyway.
Everybody has a different take on the issue.
They're supposed to.
--And if you say something and it makes you look like a total idiot?
Don't worry about it.
You're not going to die.
--And maybe next time you'll get it right.
Either way, you're showing up for work, and you're punching in.
-and that's going to encourage others too. (in a way that's healthy.)

And if you need to go somewhere else, to grow better?
Do so.
Do not endlessly slam yourself against the walls of tradition and stupidity out of misplaced loyalty
Do not sacrifice yourself to somebody elses gods, ---not even the god of Fresno. (nor Clovis.)

Remember that song: 'Skin,'? by Bill Mallonee (Vigilantes of Love,)
Here's the Chorus:
'You go coming around here saying those short of things, you're gonna take a few on the chin,
Talk about sin and redemption, (talk about love and all that stuff,) You better wear your thickest skin,
Sometimes you can't please everyone, Sometimes you can't please anyone at all,
So sew your heart onto your sleeve,
and wait for the axe to fall.'

I mean, I'm on a mission. (I guess that's obvious by now.)
But it's not a mission to change everybody, --or change anyone.
It's just to be responsible with what is handed me, --and be truthful, --and not sweat the outcome.
It's not a license to be some rebel without a clue, --or some hardguy.
I don't go looking for trouble, (and yes, it has always had a way of finding me.)
--But I don't think anything has ever been solved, --or made better, simply by rolling over and floating.
I mean, I don't go after everything, and as I get older, it's really a matter of '...okay, is this really worth the trouble, are folks going to get this, do I really want to wrestle this bit of flypaper for days..'

And there has to be a fair amount of restraint, --because you can waste a ton of time just babbling on the internet and getting nothing done.
But you have to understand, (and I am not making this up,)
---there has never been a time where I've written something, (and really poured out and cared about it?)
And somebody has NOT responded somehow... (often with very personal comments, --usually along the lines of
'...you know what, I needed that, thanks.')
And I get '...your stuff is so damn long, ---but I like it.'

That's not why I write, ---I'm not after praise.
-But if I can help anybody else make sense of stuff, ---or give them something worthwhile to think about, ---and really bless them?
Writing's too easy...
But I'll go with that,

Sure.

--- CLICK FOR FINAL QUESTION