Editor's note: This is the second in a series of five entries -- one for each question. These could quite possibly be the five longest Beehive entries ever. Sorry. Also, there's some profanity.

QUESTION TWO: I've also seen you go by Eric da Typer. It seems to be part of your identity. Why do you type?

That I type at all, is sort of an paradox and play on words.
That moniker comes from when I initially was learning to type, back at my old highschool,
I totally sucked at it.
Not, highschool,,, typing.
It was class on steno, shorthand, and typing, it was required.
We had these monster old 'Royal' manual machines...
It gave me a very very heavy touch on the keyboard, (I've been asked to leave writing labs back in college, because the typing was so loud... I am not kidding.)
Typing
To me, typing is simply writing.

I've always written.
Summer camp?
I'd write these Epics home...
I think I've been writing since, like the Fifth grade.
It's how my mind puts things together.
In fact, back in college, I have often wrestled with subjects and written entire papers that went on for days of writing, (sort of like this,) and then sat down, chopped it to bits, wrote a paper in response to it, and got an A... (sort of like this one too...)
I mean, the main work would have placed as well, ---but sometimes it's progression of thought, ---and I find the best points somewhere mid-span, ---or at the end of the line.
I think one of the most cautionary situations is from the movie 'Wonderboys,' 'Grady' was writing this book after have written a lot of hit books, ---one in particular that did extremely well, ---and now he was writing a follow up, it went for over a thousand pages.
--He was promising his editor that he was nearly done, Then the whole thing, (ONLY COPY) was blown all over the shorline of a river in Pittsburgh.
--He then reveals that the reason why it was 'so long,' was because he didn't know how to stop.
Shortly after that, he gives up smoking dope, quits writing in a an old woman's bathrobe, -and he and the female lead settle down and have a baby, (well, that's after he shoots John- Boy Walton's Dog, and the female lead divorces John-Boy Walton...)
It's a happy ending, trust me on this.

I think there are some pretty specific reasons why I type.
I type for the same reasons that dogs bark.
It's simply what we do.
(And it's really hard, REALLY hard to explain that... I mean, it's been three days of sorting that out, for me...
I type, (actually I write,) because it's part of my thinking, at this point.
At any given time in my head there are a ton of things all buzzing around at normal volume.
Right now I can (literally,) mentally drive down backroads from where I used to live at any given time over the past 40 years, (simultaniously.)
I can hear songs, entire albums playing in a background.
I can see food, and still taste the funnel cake from Hanford Speedway last Saturday night.
I can hear my grandmother reading me bedtime stories, ---and that was almost four decades ago, --and she's been gone for at least Fifteen years.
(I can smell my uncle Karls cigarrettes, and hear him coughing (he died from them, actually,) --and he's been gone since I was twelve.
My younger brother (who's a composer,) actually Has the same deal with music in his head, --that's where he gets his compositions from.
It's more vivid than endless banks TV's all playing different aspects of a lot of things.
They don't always 'line up,' in a way that would make sense, (sometimes even I don't get it,) --but there is kind of an order to it that makes sense to me.
These are just imprints of what has happened in life.
It's just how my head works.

I think I've always been a very sensitive person...
But I know things have 'gotten to me,' since I was a kid.
My whole family is like that, actually, We're very much guided by our feelings about others, and tend to dial into that,
sometimes to a fault, in that it can lead to a lot of belief and vulnerability to others, ---and that can be a bit rough depending on how the other acts.
There is this song by Bill Mallonee (Vigilantes of Love) called 'Skin,' --the lyrics really sort of hit it on the head for me.
(It's about Vincent VanGogh, --also one of my heroes as a painter, -He also was a (very effective) Pastor in a church that I myself was considering the pastorate in, -until the church shut him down... Then he painted (never sold a painting, either...) There are a LOT of parallels there, a lot.

Bill started playing only after a lot of years doing a lot of other things, (including working in medical settings for the emotionally ill, --and I've read that he's battled depression most of his life, (I don't know this from him, personally, ---I mean, I've talked to him a few times, but it's not like I hang out with the guy, we've just had some pretty interesting (and short, usually before or after a show,) sort of conversations... He's also a bit odd in that, once he does a song and records it? He starts writing more, --and often it's a real begging to get him to do something that's more than an album old... '...Nah, you guys want to hear this one, I just wrote it in the hotel room, it goes like this.'
-and it's amazing...
He's given free reign for cover bands to play his old stuff.

I know Joni Mitchell is the same way, she Hated playing her back catalogue.

When I write, it's very much that way.
I mean, I may be percevorating on a subject,
--but the pieces are written, done, and I'm kind of off to the next issue,
--or continuing from the last,
---but I don't look at them and think '...oh yeah, this is a keeper.'
I do that with poems, sometimes, but basically it's kind of '...okay, yeah, that worked, got through that, lets get on with it.'

I began to type and write, (I used to, in ArtSchool, just buy a six of Gennie Twelve Horse, and a box of oatmeal cookies, and just sit there and write...)
Because for me it was the one great equalizer and place where I could have a thought,
suspend a thought, or look at so many different areas of my mind and what I was thinking,
and put them all together to see if they fit.

I do that with stuff, thoughts and beliefs and things are all sort of like post it notes in my head, I can take sections from them, entire passages, (whatever,) and I can hear how they line up, ---before I write of them, and then sort of document what's going on up there.
Again, it's a coping thing.

When I'm writing it, it's (usually,) a one shot deal.
--I mean, this interview has been worked with a bit... (this is the final cut for question 2, --you have also an earlier version,)
-But often if I go to edit something, something entirely new comes out... so I have to watch it.

My style and stuff is kind of distinct.
I don't know where it came from.
As mentioned, I love Hunter S. Thompson, Margaret Atwood, St. Paul, Bruce Cockburn, a lot of really good singer-songwriters, (Recently I'm really getting into Elbow.)

I've written professionally in terms of documentation (as well as) theraputic sort of clinical stuff, (IEP's, behavior plans, --things like that. -A LOT of incident reports.)

Thing of it is, you can't really be trained in all those areas, and do all that for years, and get too far away from it.
I can try to type in character, but that can get me into trouble as well.

--There was one post I wrote, once, that was really telling about Fresno.

It was back on the string started like, two years ago now by StormyWysper (who I only recently found out is a guy...) and I was reading the remarks about a ghost that was apparently in a hotel downtown.
--I wrote the comment from the perspective of a character, probably in his seventies to eighties,
--based upon a composite of a lot of people I've worked with, been related to, came from in the old neighborhoods (I'm from a very blue collar background,)
---and used the word 'Injun,' in it.
(Again,
-this was from the perspective of a janitor who was complaining about 'ghost kids,' always messing with his stuff and teasing him,
and him just venting over not having to deal with that if he'd just gone into another line of work after being in the service (you know, like half a century ago,)
---and how it was not 'ooooooh they're ghosts, oooh, ooooh,'
-but that he had to deal with these things all the time, was waaaaay past and done with the whole phenomena,
and would rather be up fishing on one of the local lakes next to a native american ghost (also older,) who just understood and apprecitated the joys of quiet company,
(even though the ghost was of a different culture than this guy, and also sorta dead...)
---A lot of levels and assumptions to it, but nothing over the top.
To me? a lot of that was just riffing.

It was not hard to write it, I have had a lot of time involving all aspects of the piece.
( dealing with spiritual stuff, dealing with cliche's all the time, knowing tons of characters, just the whole thing,)
---it took me all of about three minutes to write it,
and it was just tieing in the loose ends of the string and having fun.
(I didn't say '...this is a character here, folks, this is not ME... I'm just doing a composite of the above comments.'
I should have.
People went absolutely nuts over the word 'Injun.'
---I mean, I have an idea who it was, and they were giving me a hard time (at the time,)
---but it was this 'HOW DARE YOU,'
-and people calling me a 'piece of shit' and everything,
---this was this really really heavy reaction, and they were digging up other quotes where I was saying (how I try to make it a point not to offend people and stuf, (which is true.)
The funny part?

Even in settings where a writer or a performer is of a particular race and refers to themselves in a derrogatory sense (I guess the N word is one of the better examples,)
Where you can use it if you are of that lineage, ---but if somebody who is 'not' uses it,
-----whooooooo, lookout, if you're not 'in,' with that group, and they don't think it's okay?
They'll tear you to bits...
Even THAT rule didn't apply, I'm part Native American myself (Leni-Lenape.)

-raised tons of kids of different backgrounds
-cared for and worked with and lived with more people of color than who are represented here in the valley, (and probably ever will be,)
-even worked and lived in places that were considered 'haunted,'
-done exorcisms and such, and know what 'real,' ghosts are...
(Even had my own janitorial company at one point, and have clocked miles on old buildings, professionally...)
Nope..
Still....
None of that mattered.

I was some horrible hypocrite, and walking excrement for having used the word 'Injun.'

Blew my mind.

(And, truth be told, I don't like when people describe themselves using perjoratives.
I think people of color who refer to themselves as 'nigger,' are doing themselves a disservice, --but you know what?
That's their right.
I just don't like language like that...
-Even me being part Native American?,
I had never thought the word 'Injun,' to be that big a deal, have had other native americans around me refer to themselves as that...
It even made sense for the character to use the word, -sort of how older blacks and whites use the terms 'negro,' and 'colored,' and they're not saying anything (intentionally) derrogative (because to them, it was not.)

Still, didn't matter.
Okay, live and learn...
I mean, for years, I didn't know that 'Squaw,' was a perjorative summing up a Native American woman by her genitals...
-so I don't use that word, and let folks know that they probably shouldn't.)

Still, that was pretty wild.

I mean, that's where I learned how religiously one sided and powder keg, things can be here
(and this was not even 'religious stuff' ---where the ground is never level.)

My team (the liberals, I guess they're called,) are actually pretty hair-trigger at times, and they have a lot of axes to grind.
I mean, one minute the rug is there, and you're all standing on it, and it's all 'kum-ba-yah,' (Something I've been singing in earnest since like, the sixties cause that's when I was raised...)
Next minute?
No rug, and you're in jeopardy.
It's a very very visceral and almost chemical existance.

I very definitely think it is a regional phenomena, sort of like the concept of flash-fires and such,
---because there is all this stuff on the surface that is so easily ignited, and then there is this very very hard ground, and a LOT of wind, (okay, sometimes some of it mine,) ----but the whole thing goes up way too easy, burns hot, there's damage, ----and the ground just gets harder beneath (peoples beliefs, stances, prejudices, unwillingness to change (and) really let go of the 'justification,' and 'revenge,' mindset, ---and really be at peace.)
Maybe because this has been such an unending subject around here for so long, (mistreatment and unequality among races and such...)
Dunno...

but That was one heck of a lesson to learn.

I realize that I have to watch what I write.

Anyway.
Writing, for me, happens the same way that, say, my father plays piano (he's an excellent jazz player,) or the way my mom gardens...
The way all of my family works with people.

Dad has alway played piano.
My dad without a piano is not something that is good.

--And he can throw down a set anywhere (anywhere,) and just move the room... I've seen him do it all my life.
We could be in a piano store in the mall,
it could be in a church sanctuary,
I mean, even in the Rainbow Room at Rock Ctr. (where my younger sister and brother set up for the family to take him for his birthday a few years back,
----He just sat down at the box, and did a set that had people wondering when his next gig was...

It gets worse.
I was going with a woman who was a pretty well heeled concert pianist.
She's got a Doctorate in it, performs internationally.... Really knows her stuff.
And one afternoon, we were all sitting there on the deck of her place, and she asked my Dad to play.
He was really shook...
I mean, he was like
'...oh man, Tammy is a REAL pianist, and this is her piano, her friends and such, I'm just a guy who can play, and that's it.'
----But she loved his playing, and used to say to me,
'...Your father is a TRUE artist, he really knows how to play, and he can just sit down and do a set and hold a room in the palm of his hand and completely improvise... I CAN'T DO THAT... (which was actually pretty true.)
---I mean, she's played all over the world, (carnegie hall and all that,) ---but played written works, which meant really bringing to life what was on the sheet, (classically trained musicians are welded to the score...)
(Excellent playing, incredible playing, the woman is an amazing pianist who will level you...)
-But she saw what my Does as being 'real.'
---and she was in awe and just wanted to do what he does for one night for a couple of hours, ---and she figured her goal would have been met.

Dad?
Well... without telling tales out of school.
He can read music pretty well, ---but He doesn't work from music.
He plays basically by ear.
He looks at a classically trained pianist and is like
'...they're real musicians, they do stuff that I cannot, they can just pick up a score and play it... ME? forget it...'

Both of them are amazing performers, who, when they go (which hopefully is a long time down the road,) ---the world is going to be minus something.
Yet they look at each other and their own shortcomings are what they see, and each others gift/curse is seen as something of the gods that they could personally never have.

That's sort of what happens with me when I write.

I mean, I am talking about what's on my heart, what's getting to me, what means something to me,
---and it's all really there.
And folks comment and react to it, and I truthfully?
I don't get it.
I'm just glad that I got it right.

---And then I read something by somebody who REALLY knows what they're doing, and I'm like
'...oh god, where is a rock to go hide under...'
And then someone says my stuff should be published -
--and it blows me away...

I'm not really comfortable with it.
In my heart of hearts, I still don't get the reason for this interview...
(no offense, you're been a real sweetheart to talk to and all,) but this isn't an easy thing.)

It's happened before, I've had people say things like this before,
I've been interviewed in different media, and even come away from the most casual of settings, and have had people tell me how 'gifted' I am as a speaker, or writer, or singer or whatever... How what I say gets into people and resonates with things in them deeply, and how appreciative they are of it...
It blows my mind.

I mean, I'm still simply a single guy, in his (now) mid forties with a gut that he has to loose, ----who's just trying to get throught the day like anyone else.

My Dad goes through this too... I mean, we're just sorting out our issues, trying to get the thing right, folks react to it, ---but in the end of the day, (though we're appreciative,) we'd both rather be sitting at an old airfield, watching tail-draggers doing touch-n-go's and drinking rootbeer.
(Or me, even more, just watching a dam.)
That having been said.

I Don't write to 'play to a room.'
---Now I'm not saying this to be snotty, nor dissrespect the whole concept of 'playing to the room.'

I know what 'playing to the room,' is.
I've been raised in it, I'm acune to it.

Even in my personal faith, ---there is a constant sensitivity to what everybody is feeling, and how you're affecting them that can never ever be disrespected or treated lightly.

(It's one of the reasons why I hate certain types of comedy, or music, or artwork or writing and such that deliberately brutalized or makes fun of others, or (such as in the writings of Stephen King in some instances,)
---where there's a very tender scene that opens you up and 'reaches you,' ---and then 'BAM'
---that person gets hit with an axe...
or you really begin to understand the innocent and vulnerable side of somebody, ---and then they're doing all sort of destructive and perverse stuff...
I HATE that...

To me, being 'sensitive to a room,'
or a congregation,
or another individual,
somebody I"m caring for (patient, foster kid, homeless person, (whatever,)
---is all an opportunity to commnicate and restore them.
It's blessing them.
...maybe that's a good way to look at it, (I restore furniture as one of my ways to make a living...)

To me, 'playing the room,' is reaching into folks, communicating with them,
---and getting them to consider what I see? Maybe what they seem to be missing?
At least hear what it is that I've experienced?
---stuff like that.

It's not meant to 'make somebody do what I want.'
I hate that.

I think an artist who does that really IS just masturbating and manipulating the people in front of them according to their own desires... It's power tripping.
It's a complete missuse of a gift.
I have no respect for performers or pastors or whatever who do that.
That's not why they're there.

That's just dangerous.
I mean, first of all, what's the point?

Learning that you can gain somebody's trust, ---have your way with them.
We learn that when we're, what... Two?
How to manipulate?
How to boss around?
How to intimidate? How to make somebody do something 'or else...'

Very heavy theme with me.
Obviously I've had to deal with it a lot in church settings.
As a counsellor, same.
Artist same.
Sales? same...
(one of the reasons why I don't sell anymore...)

It comes from a lot of very very deep areas,
it's something that I've had to wrestle with in my own life,
--and insist on following a very 'yes' and 'hell-no,' mindset.
---When I'm writing, when I'm doing ANYTHING,
---and I mean exactly that ANYTHING
---I'm telling you the truth as best as I can see it, and in ways that (hopefully,) you'll completely understand.

---when I am selling or explaining a bicycle? Telling you what needs to be done in your house? Explaining your physical or mental condition, ---or that of one who you love?
I am absolutely DUTY bound (by the God who resides within me,) ---to respect you and give you the full situation,
---with all attempt to see things go well, and support you in making the best decision for you,
----and at the rate and manner that is respective to who you are....
That's it.

----I've done a lot of sales, (a lot,) ---in some very very heavy and very very pricey genres.
The best sale? (To me, not always my employers, ---which is why I refuse to work for some of these people/orgs anymore,)
Is one where the client knows the truth, understands what they need, ---and is given something that will hold up and get them further down the road and accomplishing what they want to do, (and)
NOT RIPPING THEM OFF or profiteering off the situation. A fair exchange is a fair exchange, ---gouging is evil.

Often, with writing, it's giving something away that means a lot, -for free, (just read it.)

I feel witholding truths, or lying is completely wrong, and not to be done.
(I mean, there is a sense of not bulldozing or overloading a person... but that's different than taking advantage of their trust.)
Even if somebody wants to have that done to them... (Which is a lot of folks in a panorama of situations,) I want to have nothing to do with that.

When I'm writing, I'm adhereing to that code.
I do NOT want to tell you what to do.
I do NOT want my thoughts to become yours.
I don't care how persuasive, how passionate, how leading, how well crafted, (any of that,) my words (written, spoken, painted, sung, ----whatever,)
I don't care HOW good they are (or aren't,) ----I want you to have your own views,
and not just sit there and be like '...yeah, he's right, I'll go with his views on that...'

AUGH... I'll just start screaming...

I mean, it's a huge problem for me... (Huge,)
---and I have a lot of people in my life, (or no longer in my life,) based upon this condition.
They get all wrapped up and impressed ---and compltelely focus on that, --and evaporate, and cease to be 'them.'
They see somebody who has a strong personality, fall to that, (whole time) saying how they don't like 'overbearing,' people,
---yet refuse to be themselves..., and refuse to really contribute their own views...
----they get all focussed on me... then they don't have to be 'them,' anymore.
I hate it.. it never works out...

It's one of the reasons why I'm not dating much anymore, and am not really looking to.
I almost want to have a sign on my head
'...Please......unless you know why you exist,
know what you want,
know who you are, and have our own views (and know why?)
EVEN IF they are same as mine, and you like mine?,
----unless you know WHY and are okay in this?
PLEASE do NOT come near me,
fall in love with me,
want to be friends... (etc.)
-Because it will not work out,
and I'm not a 'yes-man,'
and do not want a 'yes-partner, or spouse, or whatever...'

(I'm not saying this to be mean or dissrespectful... honest,,,
But It just really scares me anymore when people are all enamored with my writing or with me as a person, and don't really know who I am...
I mean, I've had it really flip HARD

---and the whole time I've been like,
'...um, how 'bout you eat your baloney sammich,
and I eat 'my' baloney sammich
and we go do something cool?
and stop calling me 'sir,'
or 'god.' ...
please...
this is BALONEY SAMMICH TIME...
nobody's 'heaven sent' here...
I can introduce you to God, if you'd like,
He's all you could want, and more,
----but me? no...
I'm not him, nor one of his angels...
I'm just a guy sitting here eating baloney sammich...
with mustard and horseradish, (perhaps,)
but still,
it's just baloney sammich time...')

(I'll share my baloney sammich with anybody...
But we need to see it for what it is...
---and you need to maintain your own thoughts about the whole thing, regardless...)

At the bottom of things are my beliefs and my relationship with Christ.
It's not at a static thing, (as has been written earlier.)

I am not to be leading you to ME, and saying
'...I have the answers and can help and I love you, (etc.)'
---I'm to lead you to the one who really has the answers, can heal, knows the design and intent of your life, ---and loves you more than anyone, ---Christ.

---There are a plenty of times where people have put their faith and trust in me,
---and I've failed them.
(I'm just a person... I have flaws, ---a lot of them, ----and my love and understanding can only go so far, ---and it's about as far as I can throw a football, (which is, trust me, not far.)
I'm not shirking responsibility, here, ---just trying to maintain a perspective.

What a lot of folks don't know about me is, I've seriously considered becoming a monk,
I have been seriously considered and have at different times pursued the ministry for (I think) four or five different denoms (some very oppositional.)
----and have already had positions of service and authority where I've been responsible for some pretty intense stuff, ---usually involving the well being of others, ---most of whom have been abused and who have (their) trust in others violated and butchered..

(A lot of these folks are sadly, 'off radar,' ---and who are never really going to matter to the general public, (most,) Nobody will ever really know.
I know them,
I've prayed with them,
I've prayed against them (sometimes,)
I've had to make very serious decisions, and (yes,) write stuff about who they are and what they were doing (or were going to do,) that changed their lives,
---in some cases resulting in incarceration, hospitalization, ---changing forever how others will see them, ---or what will be known about them for the rest of their lives.
---My actions and comments have really REALLY gone places, and done things that no human being (really,) should have the authority to do.
---And all I'm doing is trying to get the truth of the situation to the people who most need it.
It's a trip to reconcile that.

Being a paid writer:
- blurbs for novels marketed that are just 'romance,' versions of the stuff you just saw in the theatre last week,
sent to countries where the most you're going to see on a woman is her eyes, (Eyes work for me, btw...)
You know, going from that?

To writing up govt. contracts that are selling airplanes to allies and enemies (depending on the week.)

Medical information that could, if done incorrectly, kill somebody, -or (at least,) overwhelm an already difficult time...

Documenting stuff that is (at once,) so vital, --yet, so necessary to have the details that I've noticed, ----because if you don't?
---A care giver is going to look at back records and see the same lame shit:
'....had a good day today, went to the park,'
'had a good day, went to the mall,'
'had a good day today, ate dinner...'
---(I am not kidding....weeks of this stuff scribbled in the last ten minutes of a shift, NOTHING of Value...)
--In reality?
Johnnie had a 'good day today,' 'had a good year,' 'had a good three years.'
----but Johnnie just nearly had to have his bowels rebuilt:
because he wasn't eating properly, nobody was giving him his prunejuice,
---and has been in agony and beating the hell out of people, and has a perforated colon...
----and NOBODY knew because all that was being written was
'...Johnny had a good freakin' day...'

(One of many true stories that you'll find if you go into healthcare, ---especially among those who have dev. disability, who are poor,
or are just plain old...'
'...Johnnie had a good day today....'
Bullshit!

---WHY was it good?
---WHERE was it good?
---WHAT did they actually do?
Did they actually say something, did they tell you something?
(And that's a completely wrong approach,
because they're ALWAYS saying and telling, and trying to communicate...)
---and most of the time, the people closest to them are not even paying attention.

That's why I write
This gets serious for me...
I've had to document comments and behaviors -that nobody knew about, ---and where somebody (even that person,) really needed help,
---and if I didn't catch that communication?,
---if I didn't pass that on to the right people?, (loosing my job in the process, btw,)
---people would have died.
(also a true story.)

And, Will?
to be honest?
You don't really ever come back from that.

You need to keep stuff in perspective,
---but you have to realize that the general trend is to grow calloused, self-absorbed, and deaf, --and then mute.

So,,, having had to write stuff that was difficult,
that was hard to explain,
yet had to be done in ways that could be gotten immediately?,
(yes, I can be extremely direct, and corner you with 'the only logical response to this situation is: ______.'
I've been paid to do it, I know how to do it,
---But I'd rather write stuff that will cause you to think,
cause you to really form your own opinions,
cause you to really grow and consider,
and then YOU say and write what only you're going to see, and what we need to year from YOU... (not me.)

Scharton called me one time 'a natural teacher.'
I cannot begin to explain how much that meant to me.
Because, having been a teacher, ---having worked with a lot of intangibles, and gotten folks to unlock and grow, ---and tet them to think (not just learn,)
---He gets it. I get it.
To be able to do that and have that impact,,,, man, it's heavy.
I am sooooo not in his league... I hear from folks who I am soooooo not in their league either...

Further 'who I don't write for,' or 'why.'

This is not easy.

First off:
This area is chock full of people who (for whatever reason,) either cannot or refuse to make up their own minds on stuff and just do it.
Honestly?
saying 'cannot,' is couching it.
People just don't want to. (It's kind of weird, because, at the same time, it's also the land of the loud opinion..)

---Maybe they have good reasons,
---I think a lot of people have been manipulated,
I think a lot of them are scared.
I think a lot of them are smart enough to realize, '....if you open our mouth, you can get rejected or called out, you can loose friends, and that's not fun...'
'you can get beat up, you can get threatened...
you can die or wish you had...'

And that really concerns me.

I'm not trying to be arrogant here, but when I write, as much as I may be writing on a subject and feel strongly about it?
(and yeah, I drop stuff in ---as little gifts...
It's like referencing or quoting in a song... Ben Folds CONSTANTLY references Gerswhinn,
Harry Connic Jr.? Sinatra...
---ME? I drop in little things, and I say little things just to acknowledge that my peeps are in the room and to say thank you for reading...
(some of them love it, one of them hated it... I just don't do it that often.
And, by the way?
When I say 'bubba,' I'm not referring to Mayor Autry.
He's the mayor. I respect that, I don't write stuff to people who I don't know, (particularly elected or officials of authority and respect,) and deliberately showboat and call them out. That's just dumb.
It's dissrespectful and dumb, --usually when somebody is doing that? They're just trying to make a name for themselves anyway.
'bubba,' is just a coloquial for somebody who's 'from around here, is sort of homespun, -and around here is sort of nowhere.'
It's a southern term, and is kind of affectionate in a way... sort of like 'scooter,' or 'spinner,' or 'dude.'
I've used 'bubba,' for years.
For the last ten years before living here, I was a hillbilly living in the woods, (working in Manhattan,) but a definte woodchuck and proud of it.
Some of my best friends were bubbas, (bubbas, wild turkeys, lots of deer, and really big spiders too, (with the occasional office geek showing up in my front lawn to go fishing in my creek, (sometimes they noticing me standing there with a cup of coffee in my bathrobe, BEFORE I saw them... -boy did they get a surprise.

But anyway, when I'm writing on some of this stuff, ----since somebody may have already brought it up?, you can't help but to write in response to things, and others.
---But it's a referencing, it's sort of directing and hanging it on something, ---it's not butt-kissing, or 'appeasing' an audience, I have no desire to do that. (If I have an audience, I respect them too much to cow-tow to them by writing to them,
-unless it's a direct appeal '..help me with this...' etc....

Why I don't write 'to people,' or 'for people.'
(Why this sticks out,)

This is a gang town.
This is a town full of illegal and dangerous gangs.
This is a town full of legal (and sometimes just as dangerous) gangs.
This is a town full of social groups, neighborhoods, churches, activist causes, ----you name it.
---and they're all 'gangs.'
Even the sports teams... ----gangs.

We are well aware of the positives of it, and are quick to point out the 'bad,' sides of it...
But gangs, clubs, groups, ---whatever you got.
Are inherently (often) crippled by the one thing that defines them, and makes them so desirable.
And yeah, I'm well aware that 'gangs,' are only families, that's really cute...

I am, by nature NOT a gang person.
I am not a 'group,' person.
I tend not to 'join' stuff.
I came close to joining a fraternity, (but that wouldn't have worked,)
-and I was a supporter and part of an outlaw biker ministry,
---but I did not 'patch,' and felt no need to be a prospect.
I think that would have been a wrong move for me and them.

I've been raised in a culture and mindset where
A.) the individual has this individual relationship with God,
B.) the individual has their OWN unique role and insights (as well as issues,) that God has worked out for them to have.
C.) that individual opting out of their own unique design? (and yes, I mean Design... ---the Bible calls us God's unfinished poems, (that He's working on.)
THAT individual no longer is growing, developing, and participating in accordance to who they are supposed to be.
It's kind of worse than death. (I mean, if they die, ---okay, there is NO hope for them really participating anymore..)

But, How worse?
Because when you have somebody who willfully NO longer wants to think and reason,
NO longer wants to be themselves,
---and sees NO reason to learn how to participate with full awareness of who they are,
why they are?, what they want?,
what they can do?, (all of that.)
(Just lets all the driving and reasoning go to the whatever?)

They not only remove themselves,
----but they begin to protect that setting,
---and will go after 'neutralizing' others,
(so that they dont' have to be reminded that they've traded themselves in....)

So, it's never
'...I chose not to participate, but that's JUST me...'
---because they cannot, nor will not tolerate an individual (simply) being an individual,
(it goes AGAINST what they've chosen to become.)

Get that?

In a gang, or a group of this severity,
---it's not what the individual thinks, or what the individual has grown to believe and contribute.
---It's following, either,
an identified leader, (or)
what the 'group,' wants ---and deliberately surrendering their will and justifications for what they do and who they are ---to that individual or group.
---This is rarely a good thing.
You no longer exist as a person in this situation.
You are simply part of the energy and carrying out of somebody elses will.
(Again, watch Matrix... '---you're just a coppertop.')

We were not created for that.
It's particularly disgusting when churches (meant instead to carry out the desires and words of the 'Creator,')
--do this to people, instead.

I mean, even in a family setting?
You have authorities (parents,) who are raising, responsible, caring, and who are 'in charge,' and make the decisions.
----but if you look at the Bible, ---even in that setting, ---you are to bring your kids from '...do it because I said so,' ---to them understanding and making their own choices and developing along those lines, ----as soon as you can.

It sounds kind of wild, ---but even though I've chosen completely to lay down my life and desires and ask God to give me His for my life and heart, (and not go with my own,) ----God is really clear that I'm an individual, --and is developing who I am as a unique thing... (not part of a blob who checks their brain, Bible, and reasons at the door.)

What I'm finding here? (locally,)

---People are told and shown:
'...If you want safety,
if you want growth,
if you want God,
if you want happiness,
if you want friends,
if you want social activity,
if you want a nice place to live....
---if you want love and support?
----YOU need to be a part of a GROUP and go about it the way that THEY see it.

In a lot of ways?
It's terrifying.
It breaks my heart.
It pisses me off.

I don't know why, and I'm sure others are going to be like '...I lived in NY for a while too, and I never saw it...'
But truthfully, back east, ---at least where I am from, (which, is the corporate capital of america... jeez, talk about 'cubicle behavior, and 'lemmings.')
We are raised with an awareness of the individual and the importance of the individual that I do not find here.
----And I'm ALWAYS going to be writing about that...

I mean, even in our crime...
there was a horrible rape in a town not far from where I used to live,
---by a bunch of athletes on a developmentally disabled girl some years ago, (and 'Jersey is really at the forefront of working with the Dev. Disabled and Mentally ill,) ---and people were just shocked.
First?,
it was the 'perfect community,' and the kids had no excuse whatsoever, (they were well off, very diverse, well educated.)

Second?,
---folks could not understand why each of these guys refused to act with any sense of personal morality and ethic.

When 'wilding,' began to happen in Central Park, (in NYC)
---THAT whole concept just freaked folks out... (How could individuals suddenly become simply a pack and throw off all sense of right and wrong...?)
Didn't ANYONE have a single right thought and the guts to stand and say '...wait a minute, this is wrong.'

Out here?
I find myself saying and hearing:
'...Why would a person not follow the crowd, and NOT want to join us? Why would they want to be isolated? (simply be an individual?)
---what's wrong with them...? Don't they want to be on (a winning,) team?'

It's a trip.
It's sorta like water spinning the other way down the drain in Australiia or something... It's that common, and not quite that benign.

It's heavilly affected me as a citizen of this town.
It's been an aspect of nearly all my relationships...
It kinda drives me nuts.

I mean, there have been pretty large groups of people and efforts that I (initially,) was a part of,
that I was like,
'...yeah, this feels great, we're all in one accord here and are all individuals headed towards a common goal,'
---Then I found that some of them were more 'group thought,' based, ---and completely defying the very things that they were supposed to be about.
That really sucked.

---Especially when it was like
'...yeah, Eric, so long as you're speaking against what we're against, and have insights and point out issues that you are intimately aware of, and can help us with our efforts, that's great,
---but start talking about OUR issues (or reacting to them, or being affected by them,) ---and you're out, you're our enemy, and we (in some cases,) will come after you...'
That's wild.

As long as you are all about 'rebelling,' oh yeah, it's great, and you're a badass to be high-fiving.
---but say that such is NOT required, ---and proceeding a bit quietly?
The room gets pretty empty.

This is a 'gang world'
--and a gang demands ultimate loyalty to itself.

It's why I get so nervous about the 'rah-rah-Fresno-Fresno-rah-rah' wagon, when ever I hear it's wheels rumbling up...
I know there's gonna be trouble...

It's not that I'm against town pride,
--I'm just not into it as much as some, and think it's displaced reason and a healthy view...
---and you can find yourself on the short end of that in some very real ways in a big hurry...

I havn't even begun to write about that...
and I'm not really sure how to.
I mean, I totally know HOW to...
I just don't know if I have the guts to,
---or if it will be a ditch worth dying in.

But it is a major factor.
That pressure has had a real toll on me since here, ---even in writing.
In my personal life, there have been very close relationships, people who I love who I want to be with forever, (you know, married and stuff.)

-It aint' gonna happen, and one of the real reasons is:
I don't go along with their (gang,) church, which is basically really heavy into the teachings of their pastor, really heavy into contributing to their church, -and really heavy into being really supportive and 'joining.' ---or you're out.

I never once, in most of the conversations with that person, ---nor the people I spoke with, heard them voice their OWN opinions. (I mean, you know other than how much they the place and the pastor...)
--I mean, they'd say stuff like
'...oh yeah, we don't all agree on stuff, and have our own take on issues, ---BUT THAT'S OKAY...
---yet, never once, even privately?,
would things go much past what the pastor thought, ---and even then, it was just a few brief notes here or there.
No talk about the subject matter,
no talk about what was actually written in the Bible,
---and it was all 'yeah, our church, our pastor is great.'
It was presented as an open and 'we think about stuff,' sort of thing
-but in reality, it was a lot of rah-rah, just go with it. (and really shallow.)
I really think that's what people wanted.

I'd rather'd a situation where it was like,
'..yup, we're deferring to the BIBLE,
so we may change out minds if we see (That) leading us to think differently.'

I find that a lot here.

People think that it's as simple as saying
'...I'm into this or that, and if you're NOT that's cool.'
---and are all for 'free speech,' and whatnot...
---but that's the half that they WANT to believe in.

The truth of the issue is:
They are about THEIR thing... ---and they need that THING to be the center of their life, and they need that THING and association to be the focus,
(It needs to be supported and reaffirmed constantly, --so they hang with folks who all feel the same way.)
---As soon as somebody comes along who is not (just) 100percent on board,
----more like 150percent (cause they have to be all affirming and proving themselves and such...)
--God ferbid that person is NOT in agreement?
Toast.
--and the one who is not in agreement is seen as a sort of attack.

I mean, it's clearly agenda driven, ---even among those who are supposed to be 'anti-agenda.'
In a Church setting, the focus is to be Christ, ---not the building and programs and 'pastors views.'
--This area (in a lot of the churches I've seen) tends to be more about the church, the belonging to it, and what the church is and does...
(Not the foundation of the Church, Christ.)
So, if you're not into 'that brand,' of Christianity, ---you're out.

Writing on how that is handled, (church/municipally,)

I (personally,) think that's part of the issue with the dissassociation and complete blindness that has caused the 'opposite,' Fresno's to exist.
If you are not just like 'us,' ---and each individual actualy belongs to an 'us,' ---to exist and live and be worth anything...
If you are not just like 'us,'
Then you are the opposite of us...

-and the way we deal with that? (rather than take away from the effort of being all 'us'd' out....,
(because we need to be constantly all about 'us.' and it's a very labor intensive golden cow we got here...)
We simply say that you don't exist.
-Problem solved. (Presto.)

I mean, this cuts deep.
This has very definitely affected me as a person as,
well, just moving here, knowing like, one person,
-them checking out after a couple of weeks,
--and taking what friends I had out here ta boot?

The friends I made, if associated with a group, came with (sometimes,) a lot of pressure...
So you learn to sort of live your understanding of thigns a bit closer than you want to...
--That and spend a lot of time with the Lord. (And find 'real,' friends.)

I've had relationships completely end here, and some of them really really personal.
--Not because that there were problems. (People = Problems,)
--But because the problem was not simply shutting up and singing along...
--Worse, ---the persons involved dealt with their problems by simply 'not dealing,'
---So rather than really sort out and discuss the problems?
---Rather than learning to live with the differences?
I got simply lobbed off.

I never existed.

I never happened.

What was even considered '..wow, this is so great that God brought this on, and brought you here, God is moving, (etc, etc.) good to see you brother-brother..'
---Then in a moment.....
completely wiped off the books, and it's disappeared.

This has happened, at times, simply over stuff that I've written.
I mean, folks sometimes were like, '...okay, we get you..' -but a lot of times they will back off.
-It plays out very heavily in church settings too.

I mean, you know, you expect that to happen on some pretty basic levels.
-Your ex-girlfriends friends are 'her friends,' -you don't hang anymore (In like, HighSchool or Jr. High.)

--But this is happening on levels waaaaaaaay deeper, and in scenarios where there is supposed to be some aspect of maturity.

Instead, the answer is to ignore and go off and do something else.
(Which can even mean building a whole 'new' town.)

That doesn't work.
That doesn't solve anything.
That's dealing with nothing.
---That is very very
very
HERE...

And I write about that a lot...
---and if there would be one shiney object that I'll never be able to stop going towards, ---it's dealing with that.

If you had to ask the question
'...Eric, why do you write, why do you talk about this?'
If there was one real reason?
Maybe it's because nobody else WANTS to?,
I see such a strong trend of deliberately NOT facing it?
There is such a strong crowd push to act this way?

This stuff is screaming at us from the silence, ----and even other parts of the country (or even this town,) will acknowledge the issues,
---but nobody talks about it, nor does anything about it, ---unless it's the fashion to do so, ---and even then, it's not really 'dealing,'
---it's just patching up an image and playing games.
I hate that.

And, truth be told?
Even existing and not going along with that method of 'dealing by NOt dealing,'
---is an affront and a threat, (when you're simply just standing there quietly.)

I think that's also why people respond to my stuff.
I think that's why I have such passionate responses that can be both 'love you, HATE you' from even the same people.
I'm kind of an enzyme.

That's the faith I practice, --and sort of what I am.
I once had a person (the pianist,) tell me:
'...you need to understand, when you walk into a room, people will react to you no matter what, you need to be aware of that, and respect that, --but never forget it.' (She was Chinese... and Asians are pretty hip to stuff that a lot of westerners don't get.)
-But there are very definitely people who dislike what I have to say, (or like it,)
-then there are people who just don't like that ANYTHING is being said.
(and then those who just don't like that some guy shows up and gets attention, in such a short period of time...
(which for me? Attention is not a goal... sorry... but celebrity is not something I'm after at all.)

I think a lot of me just being me, is a challange for a lot of people,
----and people don't necessairily like challanges.
Most of them sort of want to escape, and not have any further challanges... life is enough of an issue as it is, ---no sense in this guy coming in and turning stuff over.
---Wild part of it is, I'm just sitting there, trying to figure out how to get the bottle cap off and know which fork to use, ---and my just being in the place is like the Russians invading or something...

(Which, really is the most basic story of me and Fresno:
I was the 'real live example of something that was great in theory,'
(-but didn't work out,
and was still there,
and did not go away...)
(no drive back east,
I didn't die,
wasn't married to somebody else,
wasn't crazy,
no alien abduction... (I forget what else I've heard...)

It just didn't work, and there was nothing I could do to make it work...
Plenty of drama (in some ways, -ignored,) and no drama (if the truth was simply told.)

And it's like... '..oh you're still here???'
-to which I was like, ...'um, yeah...'
--and I'm simply standing at a check out line, buying cat litter, TP, and kielbasa, yet viewed as bigfoot with a grenade launcher approaching a girlscout jamboree...

I think the threat is:
I deal.
I mean, I can't help but to....
I'll probably go down, somewhere, simply 'dealing' with something...
I'm not always good at it,
---but it's what I do.

To 'not,' do it, is to do wrong stuff and to lie, ---and I don't like doing that, --I have very strong convictions and a purpose in life that is completely against that.

And my writing always is about that.

Facing stuff, dealing with it, expressing, listening, introducing the aspects that will definitely cause a reaction (sometiems good, sometimes bad...)
And being as honest about it as possible.

Why?
Well, as stated.
Writing, language, thoughts expressed?
Is the one TRUE equalizer.
It's the only thing we really have.

We could be from completely the same experiences, we could be from totally opposite ones.
-But when we write about it,
---the reality is seen, taken in,
and we're forever changed.

I mean, to me, it blows my mind that there are people who think the Holocaust never happened.
I know people from it,
I've read the records,
I've seen the footage,
---everything except having gone there and been through it myself.
---But the communication,
especially the simple small, sometimes faltering documentation of the ones going through it,
---speaks volumes, and will change the world.
Writing does that.
It comes across as innoccuous, it is 'just words on a page,' ---till you read it, then it's in you...
Party over, Boom, we're in...
-and it catches fire...

By giving up on reading and writing, (which we jettison and nullify these days, by the ton.)
GOD FORBID somebody ask us to read...
jeesh, it's a capitol offense...

---but by giving up our language,
our writing,
our reading,
--this dialogue ---and our individual feelings, voices, views and such?
(You know, stuff that makes you think, and then go out and actually DO, (after thinking, not just being manipulated into.)

We kill us, we kill our history, we kill each other, we kill hope,
---and are reduced to a bunch of nice smelling zombies (Bibles or Not)
fearful of both the unknown,
---and the KNOWN that we don't want to know...

Sound asleep, just standing there, ---even in a coma.
I can't put up with that.

Total strangers looking at me once agree.
I can't figure it out, but it's true.

So I say something,
I listen,
I write.

Okay, question two
Finished.

-need to hit the showers...

--- CLICK FOR QUESTION THREE