Answer: George Clooney the day I finally sneak into the Academy Awards and plant a giant smooch on his fine-looking, tuxedoed self. Also, the majority of the dresses seen at this year's Oscars.

I said it last year, and I'll say it again - the real winning and losing takes place on the red carpet. Watching the Oscars Red Carpet 2008 arrival show, I was struck by two overwhelming thoughts: Man, these dresses are dull and Who the hell invited Hannah Montana to this thing?

Come with me now on a journey into the glamorous, the ghastly and the just plain absurd. And by absurd, I mean Regis Philbin. I think "Xavier" Bardem knows what I'm talking about.

Red rum
My pick for best overall look last year went to Helen Mirren, who looked fantastic in Oscar-complementing gold. This year she's wearing red, and she's gotten her aunt Ethel to crochet some delicate white sleeves for her. Throwing up a middle finger doesn't take away from the fact that you've got doily sleeves, Helen.
Miss.

Why are you here?
Anne Hathaway continues the red theme, and she also makes me ask the question why are you here? Your next film is Get Smart with Steve Carell and the Rock Dwayne Johnson, for crying out loud. Go home.

Katherine Heigl, why are you here? There's no way 27 Dresses was your ticket to the show. Good dress, though. I think this is the first time I've seen Katherine without a cigarette in her hand and with her big mouth closed. She looks great.

Here's Hannah Miley Montana Cyrus practicing her sexy face. Hannah Montana, why are you here? And forget the puckered lip pose - everyone knows that the vajayjay shot is how a young Disneyfied starlet shows the world she's ready to be an adult.

Heidi Klum? For realsies? Of course she looks great - that's her job. But it's almost like she was hired to hang out and glam up an otherwise drama-free and disappointing red carpet.

Who died? Oh, right - red carpet glamor
If they weren't wearing red, actresses on the red carpet were all about black. Why not? It's classic, it's flattering, and it hides those pesky baby bumps. Or not, right, Angelina Jolie? Dude, you're sooo pregnant.

I have nothing bad to say about Jennifer Garner. She looks great, and I love the dress. It's one of my top contenders for Best 2008 Oscar Dress. It is, in fact, my only contender for Best 2008 Oscar Dress.

Jennifer's husband, Ben Affleck, directed Gone Baby Gone, for which Amy Ryan was nominated in the Best Supporting Actress category. Take a good look at her - you're never going to see her on the red carpet again. Seriously, I thought she was the chick from Enchanted until this evening.

Last year, Penelope Cruz wore the most beautiful dress to the Academy Awards - it was such an appropriately glamorous look. This year, she's going to use her ass to wash your bumper at the local Clean 'N Go.

Like Penelope's, Nicole Kidman's 2007 Oscar dress was stunning. This year - not as much. Nicole's pregnant, so I'm not going to hate on her for not looking as svelte and glamazon-like as she looked last year. She looks perfectly lovely, and - in this day of eco-awareness - I give her props for finding a use for her burned out Christmas lights.

Hilary Swank, seriously - take a break, sister. I know you've won a couple of these things, but that doesn't mean you have to show up every damn year. Even Tom Hanks takes a year off every once in a while. The dress isn't bad, though. I'm so over sheer black fabric, and the one-shoulder dress seems to be the only kind acceptable to wear to the Oscars nowadays, and you've done that hair style to death but - wait, what was I saying?

Blah blah blah
After recently coming off a writer's strike that killed other award shows, I expected tonight's ceremony to be a bit uninspired, but I never thought that would extend to the dresses, as well. Where the hell is Bjork when we need her?

Keri Russell - she was originally in my "why are you here?" category until I saw her present a song from her movie August Rush. Now I see that her washed out, boring dress was actually an attempt to make America forget both that film and her acknowledgment of it tonight. You know the part in the show when she said she was proud to be in August Rush? Lie. She's not a good enough actress to pull that one off.

Marion Cotillard's dress makes me think "mermaid in heaven," but at least she tried. And at least she didn't accessorize with white tights and open-toed shoes like that woman standing behind her. Seriously - how do some of these people get invitations to the Academy Awards?

At last year's Oscars, Jennifer Hudson was talked into wearing an unfortunate metallic bolero. This year, she's apparently taking that fashion misstep out on her breasts. Let 'em breathe, sweetheart.

Call me crazy, but I get the feeling Renee Zellweger is so over it. Is she wearing a costume from Chicago, for crap's sake?

Purple people breeders
I don't know what the deal is with pregnant women wearing purple to this year's Oscars, but both Cate Blanchett and Jessica Alba rocked the royal hue to nice effect.

Cate Blanchett looks amazing, as usual. I like the color of the dress, I like the detail at the bottom, I like the neckline - what I can see of it anyway. Someone needs to return that necklace to the poor Chumash elder Cate stole it from.

Oh, Jessica Alba, what an embarrassing Oscars introduction ("The always fantastic Jessica Alba!" - you can practically hear the announcer snicker). Take comfort in the fact that you look great - the color of this dress is gorgeous on you. So gorgeous, in fact, that washed-out Cameron Diaz is secretly cursing you and your unborn child.

The Mens
No one pays attention to men's Oscar fashion, do they? A tux is a tux, for the most part (unless Johnny Depp is wearing it, and then a tux is something you pull off the bottom of your closet, dust off and begrudgingly put on). Since George Clooney was born to wear a tux, I'm posting a picture of him and his girlfriend, Sarah Larson (who can't make you laugh like I could, George. Just think about it, okay?). I'm also including a photo of Viggo Mortensen because - well, you'll see.

And that's 2008 Oscars fashion, folks - just as boring as the ceremony was, but with 98% fewer montages. My pick for best red carpet look goes to Jennifer Garner, but only because she bugs me less than Katherine Heigl does.

Thanks to Just Jared.com for the photos, and to Donald Munro for live blogging the awards - the only thing that kept me awake during the ceremony. I'm off to go watch "Rock of Love 2." Talk about bitches that could liven up a red carpet. One word, Oscars 2009: strippers. Think about it.